February 19, 2003

i wrote this in 1998. i was 18. yes, i am a youngin’. bite me.

anyway. i thought it was apropos to some other stuff i have written lately about our war…


In today?s society, there is little room, if any at all, for the ?love your country? mentality of the late 1940′s/early 1050′s. Or the ?protest to keep your country? of the 1960′s. Today it is almost a ?every man for himself?, fighting to keep rights our forefathers promised us, and that our current ?fathers? try to take away.

People used to drop everything at the fall of a pin to go help their country in a time of crisis, be it war, political outbreak, or something more local. Women went to work so the men could go to die, and the men went to die out of a sense of duty, of patriotism to a country that was killing them for nothing.

Today people don’t get up and go quite as easily. We have a cry of war, people are outraged. It isn’t sexy anymore, it isn’t romantic, it?s nothing more than ugly, a way to tear families apart, to destroy lives.

Jello Biafra wrote ?The Pledge of Defiance,? a spoof on the Pledge of Allegiance. He clearly shows his views on patriotism, on this country. He related our flag to the Nazi swastika, and in other things he has written, called it the national deity. He grew up in the middle of the Vietnam war, in grade school, where they said the pledge everyday and supported the troops, and at the local college, everyday, kids were protesting the very war he was being forced to support.

The pledge was introduced to this country during world war one, as a way to basically force patriotism onto young children. It was a way to make them love their country, because under it all, everyone knew what was truly going on, and knew how ugly this country can be. We ride to the rescue of every other country in the world, yet we rarely ride to our own rescue. There is something to be said about that, when the parents take better care of the relatives than their own children.

Today we are hassling our president over something that every president for the past 200 years has done. He had an affair, just like most of them probably did. Perhaps I shouldn’t say that. Many of them? It simply was a social faux-pas to say, let alone publish such a thing in previous years. This is the first time that we have come out ahead of budget, not below, and instead of congratulating that, we are condemning for something that most men and women across America see everyday anyway.

This country no longer has any values, other than the value of helping everyone else. Our constitutional rights are being taken away, our freedoms, which men and women have fought so hard to get and keep, are being taken away. Yes, even our sense of pride to have gotten this far, to have created these united states, is diminishing and fading underneath all the red, white and blue blanketing that is being used to cover the scrapes and cracks in the system like a coverslip is used to cover the faded, worn fabric on an old chair. We have come to spend more time covering-up, making excuses, than we do showing our faces, our strength to act as one. We fought for those freedoms, and yes, we are the freest country in the world to date, but we are the most restricted within those freedoms. Our amendments allow us the right to free speech, freedom of religion, freedom to vote, but we really don’t have any of those anymore, if we ever did. If we speak our minds in a public place, all too often we get carted off and silenced. If we choose our religion and someone doesn’t like it, they try to convert us. Why, you might ask yourself, then aren’t they taken off and silenced, if they are preaching religion in the streets, pushing themselves on others to ?save their souls? if perhaps that other person doesn’t want their soul saved or perhaps they don’t want to be a [fill in the religion]. We vote, but our votes mean nothing.They show the popularity of the man, but the senate and house elect the man to office. And why isn’t it a woman? Or a child? Or a black-Italian,
Jewish, homosexual? Or an Indian, Muslim woman? Or any combination therein? They say we are a melting pot, where we all come together and combine, so why isn’t our president?

Yes, they say we are free, they say we are patriots, but we are neither. Most of us are simply content, and while we have nothing to say about this country while we are here, we often say nothing bad while abroad. We are a baby in the eyes of the rest of the world. Rome has been standing for centuries, as well as Greece, Egypt, France, Spain. We are the child of the world, yet we go riding off to battle to save all the others. Does this mean that someday we shall be the world? Like a child taking care of it?s sick parents? Eventually they die and the child takes over. I don’t think that would be for the best, but then, if we are only 200, and most children don’t take over until they are well past their 50′s, here?s hoping it is a long long time before this country get rule. I would hate to see what might happen. Just think, world-wide patriotism. One flag, one prayer, one religion, one ?president?. One mind set. No more freedom. Just being told what to do. Then, there is the good side of that.

No more war.

? 1998 aZxure

February 14, 2003

hm…….

happy anti/valentine’s day whatever you celebrate.

last night i bought 20th anniversary trivial pursuit.. the one with questions from 82 – 02, so i could maybe play and feel like an idiot *grins* ok, i can play the game, but it gets to a point that no one *my* age likes it, and the people who always would play with me we at minimum 10 years my senior. so i always felt like a dolt. but i got 2 pieces last night! no, we didn’t finish the game lol michael got 4, and i was falling asleep. but go me! i also got him x-men 1.5.

and this morning i sent him out, and he got me a lucy/vitameatavegimin t-shirt, a pretty bright blue (bone?) bracelet made in india & it’s numbered too, and a ring to tide me over till he can afford my dream ring. which should be 3 lifetime’s from now.

on another note, my candle making supplies got here today, but seeing as sara just kicked michael in the face, pissed off my mom and i fogot to make her 5 dozen cookies yesterday (i know, how do you forget to make 5 dozen cookies?? i was busy, and she didn’t exactly remind me) so i am not going to hit her up right now to play with my candle stuff with me. maybe this weekend.

next monday we fill in my geisha!!!!!!!!! yes, this will be the highlight of my YEAR

January 03, 2003

i don’t really have anything to update, per se….

malachai is playing with the kick start gym we had from dorian.. more or less contentedly. it’s new to him. so you know, of course, as soon as it typed that, it scared the shit out of him.

my mom took dorian & the twins to dinner at the rabbi’s house. she took him as an early out.

i went to big lots and got a friend of mine’s daughter dress up shoes & stuff for her birthday. i hope she likes it.

i think i need some time to find me again. i know it sounds kind of weird to say i lost myself, but i think i lost myself in trying to be the perfect mom, or at least, what i think that is supposed to be. i am me, but i’m not. i don’t write anymore (and haven’t in years), paint, create…. whatever. it’s been along time. i just started this business, but it is all business-y, not fun in a quirky kind of way. *shrugs* i htink i need to get to work on me some, maybe reclaim some of me. make sense? it does to me. i am letting my hair grow out again, i go through fits of it being short or long. so i am on a long kick. it’ll take a while. i got some more blond dye (so no, it’s isn’t bleach, but it’ll work just the same) so i can maybe get it light enough to take some other colour instead of more red. well, maybe red, but maybe cherry red.

chai is rolling over, he has mastered front to back, working on back to front. sometimes he gets it.

i miss my friends. i don’t see them enough. i should see them more.

i was thinking the other night, what if we can’t make it on our own? i mean, i am sure somehow we will… but once michael graduates, what if all he can find is some crappy 8$ an hour job? at this point, it would cost more than i could make to put the kids in daycare, which i refuse to do anyway. it just owrries me sometimes we will live here forever. i know we wont, but sometimes it is hard to see the sun at the end of the storm.
someitmes i just sit and wonder, where will we move to? orlando, jacksonville, a friend of mine’s hubbin is doing great in a shop in pensacola, but they are too much like georgia for my tastes….. i want to move north, but south enough to avoid the snow. maybe we will leave flroida. anything north of orlando is like a different state tho. who knows.

ah, ramblings. nothing phenominal, just day to day stuff. it’s hard to have a family of four these days, especially one on salary, and more so when said salary is what i call significantly less than 30k a year.

my butterballis rolling around on the ebd again, he is so funny.

had i not had my kids i’d be in a cushy job. or the company might have folded. who knows. but hten, i’d also not be married, or have met a lot of the cool people i have met in the last 3 or so years.

is it worth it? i love my kids, i love my husband, and i love that we are bettering ourselves. i just have to wonder if in bettering oursevles for the future, if we ar ereally limiting ourselves now…

December 14, 2002

first of all, i feel like utter and complete ass. i have a cold. and my nose is stuffy on one side or the other. it depends which way i lean and for how long. and it is dripping down my throat, so my throat hurts. and goddamnit i can’t take anything b/c i am nursing and i don’t want chai to get any meds. i have a homeopathic sinus pill that when i remember to take i do, but hah, see me remember to take ANYTHING once an hour.

and second of all, my son is the absolutely CUTEST thing in existence when he does the songs with steve/joe from blues clues.

September 29, 2002

i am tired a lot. we had dorian’s party today. it was tiring *laughs*

he got scooby gang bendies, a motorcycle, a car, and a trike that is too big for him. damn thing says 1.5 – 4 years, it’s a 10″ bike. *sigh* have to get wood blocks to make the peddles closer lol but he is so all about having a bike! too cute. we took pics, will post them once they are developed and scanned in.

michael is sick *sigh* it’s been a good while since he has been whiney, coughing sick. so it’s ok. i just hate to be like, suck it up, but i have to deal with a whiney toddler all day and a crying (well, not all the time like it was) baby. i wish i had the patience to baby him when he is sick (b/c i know i made him baby me when i wasn’t feeling well) but i am at the end of my rope most days, he is supposed to catch me, not the other way round lol

ok, i don’t mean it like that, i can’t really explain it. i mean, he busts his ass to work and provide what he can right now, and be able to do better later, and will be busting his ass more after next week at school too, to provide for us later, so i try to do as much as i can at home for the kids and to keep the room clean (and clean it too) but there are just some things i cannot do alone (like put his stuff away where he can find it/i can remember where i put it!)

mandy asked if you ever think about your ex, just like, where they are, etc… i can’t say i do… i think about my current and our future and where we have been in the past 4 or so years, and where we will be in the next 40 or so. and it makes me happy, because i know that we already survived what would have been an ugly breakup or divorce for most couples. so we made it over the hurdle, it’s smooth (well, choppy maybe lol) sailing from here on in.