I like to consider myself a strong individual. I am capable of living on my own (although I prefer not to). I am capable of looking after myself as well as taking care of others.

So why does the thought of losing my partner, my literal other half, scare me so much? I can’t imagine life without him. Last month I had nightmares that he was dead or dying and I had to manage without him. Realistic dreams of how would I handle the kids and where would our needed income come from and how would I even function without shutting down and not functioning. Michael told me I cuddled up to him that night and just held on.

I posted to FaceBook today that Michael told me he could not promise not to die as that would mean he would have to break a promise to me some day. Sweet in the telling but not so sweet in the facts.

This whole line of thought came about because his aunt on his mothers side was hospitalized yesterday for one thing and wound up having some heart complications on top of that. Michael mentioned to me that his grandfather died at 60(ish?) due to heart complications. He was a big man (6’7″?) and the weight to go with it and it was just too much on his heart in the end. It makes me look at Michael, a big man himself, and throws me into a whirlwind. We need to eat better. We need to exercise. I’m going to make him live forever, because for all of my knowledge that death comes for us all, I am still convinced I am going to live forever, and how can I do that without him? 60 for him is only 20 years from now.

I see my father, who lost his wife well before 60, and I wonder if one day I will be in the same position. Will my children come home to me? Will I have friends to surround myself with? Will I look down every day and see his art all over me and wish he was still here and wonder what I could have done to keep him here?

And then I shake my head and I remind myself that he is still here and 60 is a long way off and I will, in fact, make us live forever. And if I can’t, I can at least make it seem like it.

Somehow I call her up for happy, and wind up realizing sooner than I like it will be one less Happy Birthday call to make in the year. There are already too few.

Happy Imbolc everyone who celebrates it. Sorry to precede yearly wishes with morose thoughts. It’s how my brain works. Five years ago today I was in labour. I was miserable. Labour stopped. That child stayed in eight more days. She’s still stubborn, like her mama. I’ll probably ramble on about that later though.

Times like this I wish he was still addicted to the boob, because the boob was instant-calm for him. Nothing has ever been instant-calm for him like a good cuddle and boob.

I feel just awful. I had no idea. It’s not like this place really has anything that he’d want anyway. Maybe we’ll go tomorrow night and let him see the menu.

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Sorry for the blur – but red!

I’m not really this pale (I don’t think) – I busted the front screen on my phone and I think it busted my camera too

There is actually red, pink and orange, but it’s still wet and you can’t really see it yet.

I have been getting steady emails from my local Chabad to pray for this family and the others. I kind of shook it off. Why? Forget the religion part for a moment please. Praying, lighting candles, and sending positive energy out into the world is a waste in cases like this, because unless you are open to that positive, it wont reach you. So I was so saddened to hear that this happened.

As it turns out, one of the men and his 13 year old daughter were also murdered. My father knew them, lived down the street from the man when they were kids, went to camp with him… it’s a terrible world we live in on this day. The Rabbi’s baby was let go with the nanny yesterday. What can you even begin to tell that child?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/11/28/india.attacks/index.html

Rabbi, wife among Mumbai terror deaths

* Story Highlights
* NEW: Death toll rises to 160 civilians, police and military
* Rabbi and his wife among five hostages reported killed at Jewish center
* Indian official again suggests that terrorists came from Pakistan
* Police say Oberoi Hotel standoff has ended; One gunman still at Taj Mahal Hotel

MUMBAI, India (CNN) — Security forces believe one gunman is still holed up inside a luxury hotel in Mumbai as it appears military operations against the terrorist gang are winding down at two other sites.

As the death toll from two days of violence rose to 160, details of some of those killed were emerging including Indian police and military, a rabbi, an American father and teen daughter, and a British yacht magnate.

The bodies of five hostages were found at the Chabad House Jewish center where commandos stormed the building through a hole blasted in the wall.

After several hours of gunfire and explosions from inside all went quiet and CNN’s senior international correspondent Nic Robertson said it appeared the operation was over.

The death toll from attacks in nine locations was 160 — including three Germans, an Italian, an Australian and one Chinese among the at least 15 foreigners killed — with a further 327 injured. VideoWatch troops shooting at Chabad House »

Maharashtra state official Bhushan Gagrani said the death toll is expected to rise further and includes civilians, 16 police and two commandos. Eleven terrorists have also been killed.

Earlier, police said they had cleared the Oberoi Hotel, killing two militants and freeing hundreds of trapped guests. They found 30 bodies and were searching the building. VideoWatch hostages walk to freedom »

The killed Americans identified as Alan Scherr, 58, and his daughter Naomi, 13, from Virginia died at the Oberoi. They were visiting India with a meditation group. Read more about those killed in the terror attacks

Fighting continued to rage at the Taj Mahal Hotel — where one gunmen was reportedly still holed up.

Mumbai Police Commissioner Hasan Gafoor told CNN-IBN the gunman was shooting and throwing grenades at security forces.

Gafoor said most of the attackers had been heavily armed. “They were carrying an AK-assault rifle, one or two hand guns, and grenades.”

Outside, onlookers and reporters cowered behind cars as gunfire was exchanged and explosions could be heard. VideoWatch CNN’s exclusive access to some of the wounded »

CNN’s International Security Correspondent Paula Newton said UK authorities were checking reports that some of the attackers were of British origin.

Meanwhile, Pranab Mukherjee, the external affairs minister for Maharashtra state, where Mumbai is located, said the preliminary investigation “indicates that some elements in Pakistan are involved.”

“I can’t tell you the details since the investigation is going on,” he said. “Until the investigation is complete, it will be difficult to say where they came from and how they came.”

Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh also indicated the gunmen came from Pakistan’s largest city, Karachi, in a telephone call with his Pakistani counterpart Friday.

In response, Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani said he would send the chief of his country’s intelligence agency to help with the investigation.

The gunmen were young men in their 20s who “obviously had to be trained somewhere,” a member of the Indian navy’s commando unit said Friday.

They fired at guests “with no remorse” and knew the layout of the hotels well enough to “vanish” after confronting security forces, the commando said.

“Not everybody can fire the AK series of weapons, not everybody can throw a grenade like that,” the commando said outside the Taj hotel. “It is obvious that they were trained somewhere.”

The shell-shocked city woke Friday to television images of Indian soldiers rappelling down ropes from military choppers on to the roof of Chabad House, which houses the Mumbai headquarters of the Chabad community, a Hasidic Jewish movement. VideoWatch the commando talk about the attackers »

The Chabad-Lubavitch International group said Rabbi Gavriel Noach Holtzberg, 29, made a phone call to the Israeli Consulate to report gunmen in the house. “In the middle of the conversation the line went dead,” the organization said. His wife, Rivka, 28, was also killed.

The couple’s toddler son, Moshe, escaped with his nanny, the organization said in a written statement.

The bodies of three other hostages were found in the building. Two gunmen died in the battle at Chabad House, CNN-IBN reported.

The identity of the attackers remained a mystery. Police said they came by boats to the waterfront near the Gateway of India monument and the two hotels.

Indian naval and coast guard investigators have determined that two vessels recently seized in the Arabian Sea have no links to the Mumbai attacks. A fishing trawler, however, remains in custody.

The Press Trust of India, citing Union Cabinet Minister Kapil Sibal, reported the gunmen had worked for months to prepare, even setting up “control rooms” in the two luxury hotels that were targeted.

Indian authorities said no one had claimed responsibility, although the Deccan Mujahideen took credit in e-mails sent to several Indian news outlets.

Interpol said it would send a delegation to India.

“When such coordinated and planned terrorist attacks are carried out against international targets and when a country’s head of government states there are suspected ‘external linkages’, the police in the country concerned require international assistance,” said Interpol’s Secretary General Ronald K. Noble.

CNN’s Andrew Stevens, Mallika Kapur, Harmeet Singh, Sara Sidner, Alessio Vinci, Reza Sayah and Paula Newton contributed to this report.

My world is entirely Jenn-centric. Isn’t yours?

I realize that the universe didn’t give us Erin just to prepare me for Malachai. That would be a little too Jenn-centric, even for me, but…. Well, you just never know, right?

So I texted my husband, whom I adore, and told him I was missing mom and I wanted to go out when he got home, even if it was just to StarFuckers or someplace like that, to sit. Well, Eshiva wouldn’t go to sleep, and finally did around 9.30, so we went out. Can I shoehorn in here, that my sister had her friend go home so she could keep an eye on Esh? She is such a love. I had him print out the free drink coupon for B&N, so that’s where we wound up.

Normally B&N is a bad, bad, bad idea for me. I can drop a hundo easy there, and usually do. Well, we get there, and I’m not even in the door yet and I realize I don’t want a cup of coffee (or whatever frou-frou drink the coupon is for) and we just shmy around for a half hour or so. I see a ton of books and magazines I want, but don’t get any. This is bad people, I am beyond pick-me-up shopping and into save the money, I don’t need it anyway territory. Everything I looked at was photography, graphic or cooking related. It all reminds me that I let everything fall by the wayside, that I can’t stick to doing anything. Which of course, puts my somewhat funky mood into piss-off territory.

So we come home, my husband feels like crap because he can’t fix it (and he isn’t expected to, but I appreciate the thought) and I get in bed and turn the lights out and listen to an audiobook. Fin.

This morning I was woken up at 6.30 because dad is still at work and will not be home to wake and take the twins to school. So I wake up Sara and Michael wakes up Michael and agian, being the love that he is, takes them to school because I just can’t drive at this hour safely.

Malachai was impressed with himself that he woke up before the alarm clock went off. We had a nice chat. He told me his teeth feel like there are little people in there playing them like xylaphones. He asked when his birthday was going to be. Tomorrow? No Mal. After tomorrow? After lots of tomorrows, yes. I have no idea if he understands time outside of yesterday, today and tomorrow, because any real length of time is just “after tomorrow.” I know he gets that it’s eight days to Halloween and ten days till we go back to the beach, but I think he still thinks of it in terms of “after tomorrow.” It’s kind of endearing.

Today is a half day, so I need to figure out what this afternoon will bring. Tomorrow is off, which will be interesting as we have Edinea at 9.15, so we’ll have to figure that out. Maybe we’ll take them all and go to breakfast after. We’ll see.

I want to be able to hug another woman without it being more than a hug. I don’t have that relationship in my home with anyone other than my husband and my kids. I don’t hug my gram, or my aunts. If you know me, I’m not generally a touching kind of person so most people probably don’t think this matters at all to me, but… I really miss hugging my mom. I try to hug Sara now and then for this very reason.

When Passover was over last year, I bought something like a hundred yarzeit candles, because I got them for a quarter a piece and I’m never going to not need them.

I don’t know where I am going with this. It just hit me, so this is what poured out.

Josef Scheungraber, 90, is accused of ordering the killing of 14 civilians in a Tuscan village in 1944.

He has previously been sentenced in absentia by an Italian military court to life in prison.

Scheungraber “completely and thoroughly denies the accusations in the charge sheet” said his lawyer.

Outside the courtroom, dozens of demonstrators held banners calling for Scheungraber to be put behind bars.

Some have been outraged that he has only been put on trial now.

He has lived for decades as a free man, and served on the town council in Ottobrunn, outside Munich.

He ran a furniture shop, attended German veterans’ marches and recently received an award for municipal service.

Retaliation

Scheungraber wore a traditional Bavarian suit to the proceedings, which he followed through a hearing aid.

The court has determined that, despite his age, he is fit to be tried, though he will be allowed regular breaks.

The court heard how events unfolded 26 June, 1944.

German troops are alleged to have shot dead a 74-year-old woman and three men in the street before forcing 11 others into a farmhouse which they then blew up. A 15-year-old boy survived the attack with serious injuries.

The massacre was allegedly in retaliation for an attack by Italian partisans that left two German soldiers dead.

Scheungraber said in his statement that he had not given an order for the killings and was not at the scene of the crime.

BBC NEWS | Middle East | German tried over Nazi war crime.

I am torn. Torn between being thrilled this is probably one of last trials of it’s kind, and saddened over it. Why sad? While many of these war criminals (monsters! following orders my ass) are dying, so are our survivors. I have been lucky enough in my lifetime to hear many survivors speak, but so many have not. So many never will, and the number of voices claiming the Holocaust never happened will someday be louder, or the voices remembering it will be fewer, or both.

I have a lot of posts on here about the Holocaust. I’ve been to Yad Vashem. I’ve been to the museum in DC (a heartbreaking experience, and one I urge anyone in the area, within driving distance, to have). I have not been to the one in Miami. I just do not understand how people can say it never happened. So many families just gone, so many destroyed. It’s like saying the towers didn’t happen, or… I don’t know, that’s the most recent big event I can think of. Like saying Katrina didn’t happen.

Meh. I don’t really have much to say about the article itself. Just the taste it left in my mouth.

OK, it isn’t as serious as all that. I am still aiming for my 85%, but I’ve found that 85% is so very close to 100%, and when I aim for 85, I often get 100. I just need to readjust my aim.

This morning I made a small batch of gazpacho. I just threw everything in the processor. No difficult hand prep (last time I made gazpacho I made it by hand), but it was a little more… processed… than I like. I have enlisted my husband to help me with prep for chunkier gazpacho later today.

http://www.azxuredawn.com/photos/v/Art/tat…ons/2008_01_29/

and the highlights:

Malachai drew Santa, his sleigh, a reindeer, gifts and a house for me.

Dorian drew a sad iPod blowing up for me

Eshiva’s name came out might nice, if you ask me.