sometimes it just gets to be too much

i don’t know what i want to write. i am kind of sitting here in shock. but not really shock. i don’t have a word for it. i don’t want to cry. i don’t want to scream. i don’t want to go running into the night. i just don’t want to do anything, really. people are being awful nice, which is nice. they offer to help, those who can’t help say they wish they could. then i want to cry. it’s kind of like when you are a kid, and can hold in tears, but as soon as someone touches or hugs you, you can’t anymore. i grew up like that. i don’t cry. i get this awful headache, and this pain in the back of my throat, and my eyes hurt from the pressure, but i just don’t cry. it’s useless. it doesn’t fix anything. it doesn’t help anyone. it just wastes time and energy i can spend elsewhere.

we had steak for dinner tonight. michael put it on the grill. it was pretty good. we also had salad, and grilled corn on the cob, and potato salad and cole slaw. i made an eggplant casserole kind of thing for tomorrow night. it is supposed to be eggplant tortellini dish, but i didn’t feel like finding decent tortellini, so i used lasagna noodles.

i’m watching man on the moon. i guess it’s kind of poignant. i put it on our queue weeks ago, a month even. for those who don’t know, andy kaufman (only one of the greatest comedians/performance artists of our time) died of lung cancer.

i am going to go to the vitamin shoppe to get some vitamins for my mom. i think i ave to get liquid ones tho, so i can hide them, so she takes them.

i’m sorry, this is so all over the place. but so am i.

i am getting older.

in my life i have accomplished the following things (that i find of any importance anyway)

i am a mom.
i am a wife.
i am a daughter.
i am a sister.
i completed high school when i didn’t think i would.
i am just a few courses away from completing my associates degree.
i had a great job at 19 and another at 21.
i gave up my job to be a mom, which is the best accomplishment of my life so far, and probably cannot be beaten.

i am sure there is more, but that is off the top of my head.

post

and i miss the jenn & mandy show.

the national anthem

Oh, say can you see, by the dawn’s early light,
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,
O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air,
Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.
O say, does that star-spangled banner yet wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave?

On the shore, dimly seen through the mists of the deep,
Where the foe’s haughty host in dread silence reposes,
What is that which the breeze, o’er the towering steep,
As it fitfully blows, now conceals, now discloses?
Now it catches the gleam of the morning’s first beam,
In full glory reflected now shines on the stream:
‘Tis the star-spangled banner! O long may it wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

And where is that band who so vauntingly swore
That the havoc of war and the battle’s confusion
A home and a country should leave us no more?
Their blood has wiped out their foul footstep’s pollution.
No refuge could save the hireling and slave
From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave:
And the star-spangled banner in triumph doth wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave.

Oh! thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand
Between their loved homes and the war’s desolation!
Blest with victory and peace, may the heaven-rescued land
Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.
Then conquer we must, for our cause it is just,
And this be our motto: “In God is our trust.”
And the star-spangled banner forever shall wave
O’er the land of the free and the home of the brave!

i love all of you

these past few days, i have tallied all those i love, and was shocked at how many people fell into that list.

as a recovering skin (and if you know skins, no skin EVER hangs up his/her boots and braces for good!) i have been the cause of some damage. no, i don’t regret it. would i do it again? i am a mom, i need to set a good example. maybe if my son weren’t there *grins* but really people, we need to not cause such mass destruction! a beating now and then… ah, i can understand that. i don’t condone it! don’t get me wrong, but i have been in enough scraps to understand it, but this mass destruction. do you know the death count for the WTC and surrounding buildings is estimated at over 60,000? they have found less than 200 whole, identifiable bodies. the ME is calling for toothbrushes and hair samples to do DNA testing, there isn’t enough of these victims left to identify. there doesn’t seem to be enough left to fit into a few body bags.

i could go on and on, but let me leave off with this, please, pray to your god, lord, saviour, gods, goddesses, whoever, to protect us in this time of need, to let our retaliation be swift, mighty and all consuming, and that we may once again feel safe walking the streets.