i don’t really have anything to update, per se….

malachai is playing with the kick start gym we had from dorian.. more or less contentedly. it’s new to him. so you know, of course, as soon as it typed that, it scared the shit out of him.

my mom took dorian & the twins to dinner at the rabbi’s house. she took him as an early out.

i went to big lots and got a friend of mine’s daughter dress up shoes & stuff for her birthday. i hope she likes it.

i think i need some time to find me again. i know it sounds kind of weird to say i lost myself, but i think i lost myself in trying to be the perfect mom, or at least, what i think that is supposed to be. i am me, but i’m not. i don’t write anymore (and haven’t in years), paint, create…. whatever. it’s been along time. i just started this business, but it is all business-y, not fun in a quirky kind of way. *shrugs* i htink i need to get to work on me some, maybe reclaim some of me. make sense? it does to me. i am letting my hair grow out again, i go through fits of it being short or long. so i am on a long kick. it’ll take a while. i got some more blond dye (so no, it’s isn’t bleach, but it’ll work just the same) so i can maybe get it light enough to take some other colour instead of more red. well, maybe red, but maybe cherry red.

chai is rolling over, he has mastered front to back, working on back to front. sometimes he gets it.

i miss my friends. i don’t see them enough. i should see them more.

i was thinking the other night, what if we can’t make it on our own? i mean, i am sure somehow we will… but once michael graduates, what if all he can find is some crappy 8$ an hour job? at this point, it would cost more than i could make to put the kids in daycare, which i refuse to do anyway. it just owrries me sometimes we will live here forever. i know we wont, but sometimes it is hard to see the sun at the end of the storm.
someitmes i just sit and wonder, where will we move to? orlando, jacksonville, a friend of mine’s hubbin is doing great in a shop in pensacola, but they are too much like georgia for my tastes….. i want to move north, but south enough to avoid the snow. maybe we will leave flroida. anything north of orlando is like a different state tho. who knows.

ah, ramblings. nothing phenominal, just day to day stuff. it’s hard to have a family of four these days, especially one on salary, and more so when said salary is what i call significantly less than 30k a year.

my butterballis rolling around on the ebd again, he is so funny.

had i not had my kids i’d be in a cushy job. or the company might have folded. who knows. but hten, i’d also not be married, or have met a lot of the cool people i have met in the last 3 or so years.

is it worth it? i love my kids, i love my husband, and i love that we are bettering ourselves. i just have to wonder if in bettering oursevles for the future, if we ar ereally limiting ourselves now…