I went and saw mom today.

When I got there, she had a couple of visitors. Once they left, I went in and gave her a kiss and said I was there. She sort of fluttered her eyes at me. She sort of woke up and asked for a drink. She took four big sips of water (as opposed to just enough to whet her wistle like she had been taking) and then asked for more water. Then I was holding her hand, and she woke some more and said she had to get up to use the bathroom. Well, no she doesn’t, but I told her to settle down, I’d go get the nurse. She then gripped my hand and said “promise?” I said I promise, and I went to get the nurse.

I held her hand while they cleaned her up and changed her chux pad and whatnot, and striked the side of her head, like she used to do to me, when she started moaning in pain from them moving her about. I told her just like Erin, no? She said “Erin” and nodded (kind of).

Then she sort of settled back down and I gave her a kiss and said I love you, she said “Love” and I asked her if she wanted me to stick around for a bit, dad would be back later. She said yes, so I said ok and settled into the chair.

Oh, I phoned dad to tell him she was somewhat lucid, and “now” as opposed to thinking she was 20+ years ago. (Yesterday she told gram (her mom) “Mommy I have to make,” who wants to bet she thought she was around five?  They have her on some massive drugs, who knows what she is thinking.

Anyway, dad got there, and we talked for a while and mom rouses some more, wants some more water, and announces she wants to go home.

If her meds have her under control pain wise, she can maybe come home tomorrow. The doc said tomorrow or Thursday. I asked him how come it’s always “a day or two” when we ask.. It’s like saying tomorrow, and tomorrow never comes, because it turns into today.

Dad is going to talk to the ins. and find out exactly what they cover at the house (we already have the bed and all) and contact nursing to get someone for the 16 hours the ins. wont cover.

I thought she had her breakthrough when she phoned her friends and family the other day. I suppose this might be a second one. I don’t expect her to hang on long once she gets home. I have to say, she is a tough old bitch, she’s still pretty strong too. She might surprise us yet, but I am honestly not holding my breath about it. I truly hope that for her comfort she can come home and die peacefully. I went to the hospital alone today with all intentions of telling her it’s ok to let go, but she was way too lucid and aware of her surroundings for me to be comfortable saying it to her.

I love my mom. It breaks something inside of me to see her like this. She’s only 53. I should have her for another 30 years at least. I know she is proud of how I turned out, and prouder still of her grandchildren, and I am so happy I had them young so she got to enjoy them. It kills something inside of me to think they will grow up without her. That Michael and Sara wont have her, that their children wont have their RaRa.

One of her visitors told me today G_d (she’s orthodox) works in mysterious ways. I bit my tongue and said I didn’t want to discuss it. I’ve said it before, but what kind of mean and nasty god takes a sister away from her siblings, a daughter away from her parents, and then turns around and takes the mother away too? Fuck god. My faith is not as strong as theirs. Perhaps if it was I’d feel better about all this. I hope my mom is going to her summerlands. I believe Erin went to hers. I wonder what moms summerlands look like. Probably a bowling alley. One with manual score sheets and an overground return. One set of ducks, one set of tens.