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22 January 2005

22 January 2005 By

I don’t even know where to start.

I got up this morning, with all intentions of making pancakes. My brother and sister were making eggs. That’s fine. I emptied the dishwasher and put the dishes in it. Then I started cleaning out a cabinet to pass some more time while they finished. Somewhere in between the two things, my mom made eggs. By the time I finished re-arranging the damn cabinets, I said fuck it and put my pancake mix away and didn’t eat. I also found an entire trash bag of lids. No containers, just lids. And about fifty other things no one ever uses. I also found a pressure cooker mom has probably been carting around for 26 years, with yellowing papers inside of it. Never been used.

I came upstairs, where DH was cleaning the bedroom. Again. Because no one knows how to put their shit away.

I sat in the bathroom and cried for a bit. You know, until my 4 y/o had to poop and had to come in. So I went to clean some stuff. Then I went back in the bathroom and cried some more.

I’m not really sure why, except that I also tried to eat my strawberries I bought yesterday and they were so packed into the box they were bruised and mushy. I put them in a bag in the fridge. Maybe I’ll make strawberry preserves or something, but who the fuck wants to eat bruised, mushy strawberries? Almost everything else I bought yesterday was for other people. I had an apple. That my 2 y/o took half of.

I’m not even sure what it is that has me so upset, other than attributing it to some weird hormone shift.. but I hate doing that.

I had clean clothes on the floor yesterday, waiting for their respective owners to pick them up and put them away. The cat pissed on a pair of pants. No one believed me that I smell cat pee *everywhere*.. well, there’s the proof she forgot how to hit the damn cat box. Not even in the same room. I hate the cat.

The twins slept on the couch again last night. Apparently they forgot it wasn’t a bed.

I just want a damn house that doesn’t look like a hurricane swept through it all the time. Even when I do clean it looks like that again within a couple of days, if it takes that long.

I know, it’s always the same shit. But damnit, I am not a maid, I am not a cook, I am not a baby sitter, I am not a lot of things I seem to have wound up being.

Maybe mom is affecting me more than I give it credit for. Maybe everyone else who is being affected by her is affecting me. I just can’t do it any more.

Fish knows it, but he’s also not home a lot. I have no clue what I am going to do with three kids when I apparently cannot control the two I have, and the two I seem to have inherited (or at least feel like it) have absolutely zero respect for me (or anyone for that matter).

I think I found my breaking point this morning, and I’m not even sure what it was.

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21 January 2005

21 January 2005 By

How come because I wont outright LIE to my family about the birth of this baby, I am suddenly the bad guy?

Am I easier to attack about “making” people worry? It is none of their business, and it is giving me so much stress. I was fine till we had dinner tonight, and my gram said “So you gave in and you’re going to the hospital” A statement, not a question. This is what my mom is telling everyone. Which is fine, I don’t give a flying fuck what she tells them, but don’t question me about it. I will not lie. I am not ashamed of my plans, and I never was. I am not hiding.

I am, however, ashamed of how my family is acting, and the fact that I know they are all thinking “She always has to do it her own way, she can’t just be like everyone else. She has to be a pain.”

Well, fuck you all very much. No, I can’t do it “like everyone else” because I am not everyone else, and after 25 years, they should fucking know it by now. I am not choosing to do this just to be different. I am choosing to do this because it is safe, healthier, and the smarted choice for *me*. And if I have to shout it from the goddamn rooftop, so be it, but it really shouldn’t be necessary.

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13 January 2005

13 January 2005 By

Saddam has not made weapons of mass destruction since 1991. Bush does not regret going to war. We need to find out where the intelligence went wrong he says. I can tell you where it went wrong. At least 51% of the stupid US elected him once, he appointed a bunch of his cronies, and then we were dumb enough to go and do it again. *shakes head*

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08 December 2004

8 December 2004 By

Not even reading my friends page right now. I might later.

Saw the jack ass, erm, midwife today. Here is a pretty complete list:


Things she told me I already knew:
- the baby is transverse.
- my blood pressure is pretty low (it was something like 104/54 I think)
- my pulse was pretty high (I think she counted it at 96)
- my urine was dark this morning. Um, maybe b/c I had already used the bathroom, drank a half a yogurt drink and no water.
- I am measuring at 31. Which is right where I am. Go figure.
- I’ve gained approx. 15 pounds, maybe 20 depending on how accurate my starting weight was.

Things I didn’t know:

- the baby’s heart rate was about 140, IIRC.

Oh, yah, and I have to take some class (more money) but next appt I need to tell her I can’t, b/c my mom can’t afford it. It’s to cover what happens at home in the event of an emergency vs. in a hospital and some other bullshit (relaxation techniques, how to birth a baby, etc..) I told her I’ve had two kids, women have been doing this for about a million years, it hasn’t changed. So due to money, time and the feeling of she is a fucking rip off, I need to get out of that.

She also wants to do her back up plan next appt. Well, she is my moms back up plan, and I don’t need her. So we’ll see what comes of that.

While I’m there, and right after, I had a feeling of dread. She is stealing something from me. Something I will never be able to get back. Right now, I feel like I did last night, that she is not there for me, she is there for my mom and dad, and I don’t need her, and don’t need to call her. So I just don’t know. I wish I was strong enough to tell my mom to fuck off and I don’t need her. It’s funny. I am strong enough to have this baby by myself, but not strong enough to satisfy my mom I am safe in my strength.

Took the boys to a Chanukah party today with a moms group I recently joined. Great group of ladies. A little more mainstream in many ways than I am, but hey, we can’t all be the same, right? They were very well behaved, a big concern of mine since most of the kids in the group are under 18 months, if not under 9 months. Only a few are older than 2, and only one older than Dorian, who is 7. We had latkes, jelly doughnuts, crackers & cheese, and other foods, and did a toy exchange. Dorian got a tool set, and his face just lit up. He wouldn’t even let the box out of his hands, let alone out of his sight, the rest of the party. They fell asleep within about five minutes of getting into the car to come home. Dor woke up as soon as I took him out of the car asking where his tools were, Chai slept another hour and a half or so.

I am exhausted. I have to pick my love up from work at 9, and hopefully can come home and get in bed!

We got checks in the mail today from my grandparents. I cannot believe what they sent (individually it wasn’t a lot each, but to send it to all four of us seemed excessive, coupled with the fact that they sent the same to my brother & sister, and probably to all the grandchildren, so they spent a small fortune just sending out checks). i asked my mom if she thought they would even cash a check if I sent one back to them, and she suggested taking them out to dinner. Probably wiser, but I know they need that money right now, so I wish they would take a check/cash/whatever. I think tomorrow I will call to say thank you and make plans to go up next Sunday night or Monday, and see if they will let us take them out to dinner. I might see about leaving the boys with my parents so it’s not a *loud* dinner lol

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07 December 2004

7 December 2004 By

So we’ve been eating at the same Denny’s for….. a long ass time now. The servers have watched my belly wax and wane, and my kids grow up. Well, one of our fav waitresses just noticed today I am pregnant (I have been wearing Fish’s huge ass shirts, so I usually just look fat lol, today I was wearing a maternity shirt and look fucking huge) and she comments she thought I was pregnant last time she saw us b/c my boobs were bigger again. Yep, that’s how she guessed I was pregnant last time, except last time I was a couple months pregnant, not 7 *laughs*

Today is my sisters birthday. I think everyone is fine with that. It’s also the first night of Chanukah, so it’s kind of weird. I mean, we had Chanukah last year without her, but it’s still new, you know?

My parents are going out tonight with moms two sisters & their husbands and her parents. We were going to grill, but I don’t think Fish will want to grill when he gets home at 9 or so, and I don’t want to make a huge amount of food if we aren’t all eating. So I don’t know what I’ll make. I might just do something with the roast from last night *shrugs* No one ate it, so maybe they will tonight.

Sorry to ramble. Anyway, we’ll do Chanukah tonight and give out the first round of gifts. I’m foregoing opening anything so I can actually bring my new sewing machine out and get to work. I paid my mom back for it, but it’s still a gift from DH, so while I did pop out the instructions (fucker has about 8 gazillion stitch functions and shit on it, way more advanced than my current machine) to go over, I haven’t used it yet. I need to get to work on my in-laws gifts, and while I am at it, I am making a tablecloth for here too.

We went to color me mine yesterday to pick up the creamer I painted a month ago during a MNO. While we were there Dorian painted a hippo for my dad. It is the world’s fugliest hippo. It’s about 5 different colours, not to mention where they mixed. We are going to pick it up next monday, so I need to post a pic of it. He made it green, blue, pink, brown and I think another shade of rust/brown. *shakes head* But he had fun making it.

Ok, done rambling.

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