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I had this whole post in my head

22 September 2006 By Leave a Comment

it started last night and went through to this morning. Let’s see if it decides to come out.

I realized last night, on the drive home, that I really miss my mom. I wasn’t done needing her. And now I don’t have anyone to wrap their arms around me and tell me it’s going to be ok, even if it isn’t. That’s my job to do for my kids, but no one’s to do for me. Yes, Michael can do it, but it just is not the same.

The eulogy was beautiful. The rabbi said that just from speaking with the family the day before, he got a feel of how tremendous moms heart was, and everything she did, she did with love. She was always asking what she could do for you, and not making requests of other people. I hope I am like that. Even just a little bit.

My aunt said she never got off the phone without saying I love you. I am not an I love you type of gal. I find the words hard to say unless I really mean it. I still have trouble saying it to my mother in law. I have trouble saying it on the phone to my dad. I need to work on that.

I was texting with a friend last night, and I told her I missed my mom, and I wasn’t done needing her. Her response was I’m sure you do, and it’s not fair. I said I knew she would understand, and said it just hit, it was quiet, and a long drive home. She said “I would imagine you will have these moments forever. Know that you are so much like her you will be strong enough to keep going. and that will be passed on to the babies.” and I started crying. I only hope so. I’ve said it before, but even when I was busy hating mom I loved her and respected her, I just didn’t know it at the time. Then my friend said “I believe she is with Erin right now. What do you think? Think erin needed her more than we did?” My aunt said she thinks E is taking care of mom now. Who knows. Maybe so.

We had lunch with Andi yesterday in Gaithersburg. We had Dinner with Andi, Kyle, Kira, Sarah and Lily last night. I’m glad Sarah & Andi finally got a chance to meet. I knew they would get along well.

Michael got his check today, and after I cleaned the kitchen I panicked. We’ll be moving as soon as possible. We can’t afford to stay here. I don’t know how anyone can afford to live here. Thank god my dad can help us get back down to Fla, I don’t know what we would do, other than keep falling farther and farther behind. Scary thought.

I called to cancel moms phone this morning, and transfer the kids phones to our account. It seems to final. I still haven’t taken the number out of my phone, or changed it from mom-home to dad-home.

I want this feeling to go away. I know it never will, but I wish it would. It never left when Erin died, so I know this one wont either. It just gets distracted. There isn’t enough going on right now to do that.

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Funeral.

19 September 2006 By Leave a Comment

This is kind of scattered, but take it for what it’s worth.

The services were very nice. We got the the funeral home and stood around while everyone said how sorry they were. Then we went into the room. Right before they asked if family wanted to see her. I didn’t want to. Dad said she looked better today than she did last week. Michael said she suddenly looked old. I felt that I held her hand while she died, and I didn’t want to see her again. I viewed Erin and wish I hadn’t. So there you go.

The services were nice. My uncle read something that he wrote. When they wheeled the casket to the back for the pall bearers to carry out Malachai asked where they were taking the vampire box. I explained what it was, as soon as I stopped laughing. Dad said it was the first time he ever stood when mom left the room.

Graveside was “the usual” I suppose. We did the dirt thing. Malachai wanted to do it again. (Direct reletives throw three trowel-fulls each on the casket).

Once all the prayers were done, we walked out through everyone, waited for everyone to move, and went back to visit the rest of our relatives. We prayed for Erin, and for my PePa, and left seashells on their headstones. The kids all left them as well. Malachai wanted to keep his shell and put a dandylion on Erin’s headstone instead. The remaining shells we put in moms grave. There were maybe 20 left (she had a huge colelction to leave on headstones when we went up). I threw some in, Michael (my brother) and Sara, Dorian and Malachai, Michael (my husband) and my Aunt Molli, who said she was very honoured we included her in it.

Then we went back to Arnolds for what was essentially brunch. We’ll go back later this evening for services.

Someone had apparetly said we should have taken the boys out of the services. My Aunt Dorothy’s mother (Arnolds MIL) turned around and said “Phyllis would have said they are right where they belong.” She’s right. I did take Eshiva out when she started talking a lot (not screaming, but she started out with a string of ma ma ma and on and on) but they boys were well behaved.

So we’re back at the hotel. We’ll go back later for services and food.

One more thing. I picked up the phone no less than four times yesterday to call my mom and tell her about stuff. And everytime had to remind myself that I can’t do that anymore. That really sucks.

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I need to write.

16 September 2006 By Leave a Comment

I took Sara out today, to buy some nice, funeral type clothes. She got a nice pair of pants, and two nice body shaper type things, and a nice black button-down shirt. I got a call from Dad to come home. No time to even stop for lunch (I backed out of the Taco Bell line). By the time we got home, she was ok. You see, before we left I knew she was beginning to get the mottling. But it was barely on her feet, I figured we had a few hours at least. We got home around 2.

At 5.30 Dad said soon. She was breathing how Erin was breathing before she died. I knew I’d never forget that breath. She was working so hard to breathe. You can hear the… crinkling… sound of the lungs starting to fail. Her eyes were slightly open, staring at nothing. We were assuring her we loved her, and everyone was here. Dad told her to kiss Erin for us, and to take care of her.

She held on until almost 6. Stubborn woman. I held her hand as it cooled off. Her arms were still so hot, but her fingers was cool to the touch. The cool crept up her hand. It made her clammy. We watche as her head tilted down a bit more,  as she struggled more to breathe, to hold on a little longer.

I hope when it’s my time I fight as bravely as she has.

At 5.55PM the nurse who was here called it. Her heart just wouldn’t give in. She stopped breathing almost two minutes before her heart stopped. I felt her pulse as it went from flying, so so fast, to barely hanging on.

And in the space of a day, I went from having two parents to one. My father went from being married for almost 28 years now (their anniversary is September 24th) to being a widower.

Michael is flying in tomorrow to drive back to MD with me. I really didn’t want to take the train, and I didn’t want to drive alone. My dad is taking Sara and Dorian on the train, my brother will be coming with us.

We’re staying at the Pikesville Ramada, courtesy of my aunt and uncle. He was going to fly us up as well, or at least dad and the twins. Dad wanted the time on the train to settle in. He didn’t want to arrive so fast.

The funeral will be Tuesday. We’ll be in town through Thursday.

It is very different to lose a parent than it is to lose a sibling. I don’t have anyone to call to ask questions about my kids anymore. I don’t have a strong shoulder to lean on. I am my own strong shoulder now I suppose.

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It’s time.

16 September 2006 By Leave a Comment

“The time has come,” the Walrus said,
“To talk of many things:
Of shoes—and ships—and sealing-wax—Of cabbages—and kings—And why the sea is boiling hot—And whether pigs have wings.”

5.55 PM on September 16. My mom is dead.

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Mom is coming home

13 September 2006 By Leave a Comment

They are sending her home tomorrow regardless of anything. They gave her a new breakthrough drug instead of the morphine, and she’s on the methodone every two hours. The doctor said she was on enough to knock out an elephant (his words, not dads).

So they are sending drugs today, and she’ll come home tomorrow. Dad hopes she makes it through the night and next day to come home. I think she will.

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