What is July 25?

My sister died on July 25, 2003.

So it’s been seven years. And this year was it. I didn’t post about it. Well, I’m posting about it now, after the fact, because it didn’t occur to me to post about it then.

An internet acquaintance of mine recently lost her sister and I wanted so badly to tell her that no matter how awful it it now, it won’t be forever. I didn’t, because it wasn’t what she wanted or needed to hear. I told her I know it’s awful, and nothing I could say could make it better, and that was the simple truth and the best thing I had to say.

Apparently seven years is the magic “not forever” number. Who knew?

It might help that I don’t have anything else to associate the date with. September 16 will never come and go. It’s a scant two days after my eldest son’s birthday. She held on long enough to see him turn six, and that was that. Maybe it will come and go? Maybe it’s just still too soon, too fresh. I still can’t think of her without wanting to cry, my eyes stinging and tearing up. Maybe in 2013 September 16 will come and go and just be another day of celebration in Dorian’s Birthday-Week.

Yesterday was the first real day of summer vacay for us – all school classes are over, recitals are completed, graduations are finished. Yesterday brought us speech therapy (every Monday and Tuesday morning until the end of summer, when the schedule changes back to after school), yard work, the gas station, the bank, gifted testing, lunch, the library, visiting some friends, guitar class and dinner at 8!

Malachai was tested for gifted yesterday morning, and the school psychologist (who has observed him briefly but I guess never worked one on one with him) said she sees why he has/needs an aide in class. I am kind of relieved to tell the truth, because at his IEP we were having a hard time explaining that yes, he does great in class… because h has an aide! She also said that while he definitely passed the testing, he would have done much better if he could have stayed focused and on task. So, my all over the place son passed the gifted testing even without an aide to redirect him to stay on task. He continues to baffle me, but in a good way. Perhaps he will build that time machine when he grows up… right after he is done being a stuntman for the newest summer blockbuster action flick. Having a “special needs” child who doesn’t “show” or “present”  as being special needs is a challenge in and of itself. We had some friends over, one of who works with autistic kids every day and he said if we hadn’t told him, he never would have known about Mal. That makes me so happy on the one hand, but on the other hand, it does make it more difficult for us on his bad days when he absolutely presents with all of his symptoms, and usually all at once. So hearing how well he is doing, and how far he will go just makes me smile all over.

Dorian finished his first guitar book yesterday as well. Apparently he has quarter notes down (um, all he plays is “Turning Japanese” so duh he has his quarter notes down!) and played some new songs yesterday. Maybe we’ll get something besides Iron Man and Turning Japanese now. One can only hope. I think he said they did a Beach Boys song and a Beatles song.

Eshiva had her recital on Saturday. No pics, as they were supposed to be prohibited (which didn’t keep an ton of asshole parents from taking bright ass flash photos of their kids on stage, grrrr) but we’ll get a video sometime soon (it was rolled into the cost of the recital fee). E did a beautiful job. In fact, the entire recital was awesome. One of the groups did a shortened version of “Oh Industry” (I love this and have never seen a bad performance of it), and another did “Hard Knock Life”, really the entire thing was great. The babies were cute, the middle range of kids were trying their best and the older girls were all amazing. All but the littlest did the finale. They did “Thriller”! Very cute.

We all hit the library yesterday. Esh had a one hour book reading thing and made a couple of book marks. The boys picked out books to check out. Dor got WWII books and a couple of novels (Time Warp Trio and Lucy’s Ghost I Think), Mal got GooseBumps and one other, Esh got an awesome book about different phoenixes, a baby book about tickling a duck and one other. I’m pretty stoked about being at the library twice a week. The kids signed up for a summer reading program where they get prizes and I told them we’ll keep track of what books they read and we’ll get them a prize at the end of the summer too. The boys go today for a craft class. I think today is an aquarium.

Camp starts next week, Wed – Fri for them, so I’m hoping to pick up some work. I’ve got a logo in the works, and a site that I am waiting on some info for, but nothing else on the horizon right now. It might be the perfect time to start tattooing again. I have some ideas for my lower legs now, so it might work out well.

I was busy remembering stuff yesterday and I want to remember it here too, so bear with me please.

Oh, funny. My mom used to call me Jenniter. Don’t ask. So, the kids were playing janitor today (don’t ask) and I hear Eshiva in the background and I swear I heard Jenniter, not janitor, and it reminded me of mom. So I am telling Michael about this and I say she used to call me Jenniter in the drum, and I have no idea. …He says no! There was a liquid draino type product called janitor in a drum. So yah, my mom called me a cleaning product (which is funny in an ironic kind of way if you think about it) and I suspect I have a new (old) nickname lol Now that I think about it, when I call Gram she still calls me Jenniter too. Funny stuff.

One of moms friends sent me this:
When mom was in Israel she wrote profound poem that I often quote.
“be patient
Peace will come
And when it does
It will be like
A tidal wave upon humanity”

I want to do that One Step on my leg and I am thinking about incorporating this, but I see it as pictures not as words… like a traditional peace dove flying over a horizon with a big wave washing up on the shore, but the shore will be something to symbolize humanity, not an actual shore. I need to think about it for a while. I just see the two ideas tying together really well.

She faked it to be on her own. I can’t remember it now, but I can see it.

We found her. We tracked her down. I was a wreck. Why fake your own death? I was the only one who didn’t know. Even dad knew. He played along. Everyone knew. It took forever to figure this out and find her.

I am trying to remember, but I am stuck in the room.

We found her! We’re sitting at a table, waiting to eat. She is telling us why shed id it. I am weeping. I am at the same time so unbelievably angry and so incredibly relieved. I want to bring her home. She looks healthy! I don’t understand. I just keep repeating that I don’t understand. I remember a window. I remember she tells me why, but I can’t remember what she said. There was more, so much more. The kids keep talking and I can’t get quiet enough to bring it back. I woke up earlier and I was going to write it down, but I tried to go back to sleep so I could bring her back again. I should have written it down then. I can see it, but it’s slipping sway and I can’t bring it back enough to get it from my brain to my fingers.

What’s that line? A dream is a wish your heart makes? I don’t exactly need Freud to figure out this dream, I do wonder what brought it on though…

I got to rambling, sorry. What I wanted to get at is, whatever happened to grandma’s handwritten recipe box? My gram has a love affair with cook books too – in fact, I just bought her four more because she liked mine. A few months ago (last Halloween-ish) I bought a black lined journal and started gluing in recipes I liked out of magazines. That way I could limit my stuff on my shelf and I’d have all the awesome recipes I found in one easy to reference spot. It grew. It also includes some I’ve printed off the internet from here and there. Did I try something new? Was it a hit? It gets glued into the book. What an amazing gift of “family recipes” it will turn into some day!

See that awesome journal I used as my post image? I picked that up last night. Why? I almost sullied my clippings with handwritten recipes! Oh no! I couldn’t have that. So off to the book store I went. By the way, I paid less than list price at the actual store, so you might want to check that out if you want to pick up your own. It’s already got about fifteen delicious recipes in it from Raw Fu and I’ve got some delicious ones to add from Punky Moms and my own scattered brain as well. Before I started writing, I added the year at the top of the first page and a little inscription. I am hoping it turns into “grandma’s recipe box” in another fifty or sixty years.

All the said, this Post Secret hit home for me today. I’ve save the image in case blogspot doesn’t host it at some point, but I have linked it to the original.

I constantly see cards I want to get for people who just don’t care if they get a card anymore or not, and on the flip side, I see cards I wish I would get from them, because they are just the type of card they would purchase. It doesn’t make important days any harder or easier, but it always makes me smile when I spot one. I wonder if I got them and sent them to the cemetery if whoever gets the mail there would think I’m nuts.

Somehow I call her up for happy, and wind up realizing sooner than I like it will be one less Happy Birthday call to make in the year. There are already too few.

Happy Imbolc everyone who celebrates it. Sorry to precede yearly wishes with morose thoughts. It’s how my brain works. Five years ago today I was in labour. I was miserable. Labour stopped. That child stayed in eight more days. She’s still stubborn, like her mama. I’ll probably ramble on about that later though.

Last week Sara was talking downstairs and I swore it was mom. I don’t hear her in my own voice, although I hear her in my words. I was pleasantly surprised to find her in Sara’s.

Eshiva has been crying lately, because when she grows up her daddy is going to die. I think Michael is upset because she only says it about him… which is weird because I still have my dad. You would think she would be upset that when she grows up her mommy is going to die. Then she starts crying because she misses Aunt Erin (whom she never met). So we have this whole long conversation about how our bodies are healthy and strong because we eat right and exercise and take care of them, and we aren’t dying anytime soon because our bodies work. Is is terrible that it was easier with the boys, because they saw death up close and personal, and were better able to understand it even though it is usually so abstract to children? They had something to apply it to and bring it away from the abstract to the concrete. I am at a loss as to how to handle it better with Eshiva, because she hasn’t seen it – she is borrowing worries, and I understand they are very very real to her… I don’t know how to ease them because death is still an abstract to her.

We’re headed to Orlando on Sunday to spend the twins belated birthday trip with them, and staying on Monday as a pre-birthday trip for Eshiva. Money is tight, but when isn’t it?

I went to the dentist yesterday. 119$ later and my teeth have been thoroughly x-rayed, photographed, cleaned, poked and prodded. I have an periodontist appointment next week. Then I have another cleaning in four weeks. Then, if the perio gives me the all-clear I can start with the orthodontist. If not… I think I’ll just stick with quarterly cleanings and hope for the best. The dentist was talking about gum transplants and other expensive-sounding things. She also said I was in a grey area where it could be ok, or it could be a problem, but it isn’t currently one or the other. I cannot start orthodontia until I find out which it is. Hopefully the periodontist has good news and not bad.

I had my first crush in that bowling alley. I had my first lots of things in there lol

When I turned… 10 or 11 mom got transferred to another alley in Randallstown (the one on my arm is the Pikesville alley) which I also spent a ridiculous amount of time in. However, the one on my arm is duckpins, not tenpins. I played a lot of pool in them too.

Because you all had to know that.

———-

I remember the indoor “flea” market they had on bowling nights and the junk I had to have. They used to let me pick the winning 50/50 raffle ticket.

My first real job was as a short order cook at Timonium FairLanes.

Aunt Jackie used to tell me how when I was a baby in the stroller… she remembered one time I was playing with something on one side of the stroller – a nail or something holding it together. I turned to the other side to see if there was one on that side too. She used to tell me she knew I’d be a smartie from that alone. One time Erin’s chair flipped backwards (the Maclarren stroller – it used to do that a lot – unsafe thing!) and she remembered running down from the other end of the alley, mom right behind her, to pick her back up.

Funny things that pop up into mind sometimes.

Where to start…  we went to Orlando this past weekend. Sorry local gals – we went up in one car and I knew I wouldn’t be able to get away so I didn’t even bother posting about it. I will be uploading pictures at some point, so expect a photo spam post.

We hit Animal Kingdom (something we almost never do), MGM (excuse me, Disney’s Hollywood Studios) & Magic Kingdom. We were up early enough to see them *open* on both Sunday & Monday. Not. In. Years. It was a real treat for the kids. We left around 2 PM on Monday and were home around 6PM (hit those rain storms headed up and back).

We’ll be back up in Sept or Oct, the boys want to stay at Wilderness Lodge – we’ll see. That will depend on if the work I am expecting comes through and a few other things as well. It’s their birthday trip, so I usually try to keep them in on the plans and such.

Tuesday morning we had M’s IEP. All is well. Again, we won’t know until the year starts if he gets his aid in the classroom for next year, but I hope so. Some goals were met, some are the same and we added some new ones. His speech went from being a profound delay at last years IEP to a mild, age appropriate delay. Whoo Fucking Hoo Mal! Our private speech gal is going to have her work cut out for her to keep him as a client, but I love her and she’s really awesome and I attribute most of his success to her. She said his /r/ sound really, really needs work   I hope she can find a legitimate reason to keep him. He performs well in the speech room, but not as well outside. I think that alone means he should keep it up.

Tuesday night he was supposed to read a story he wrote at Barnes & Noble. I have video. It didn’t go well. He was all ready to read, went up there, and froze. Poor kid. I sat with him, and tried to convince him to read. No go.

Wednesday I got my hair done. My girl went in at 8AM for me! She is a peach. I was done by 10 and we went to Target (aka that vast time suck) and bought a box storage thing for outside for my new seat cushions, a couple of fans and some misc. other things we probably didn’t need at all. Wed afternoon is therapy with all the kids, where they act like animals and irritate the fuck out of me. Then we had dinner with my moms twin brother, his wife and their daughter. We almost never see them (they live in Reno) and my dad is still livid he didn’t bother to come out when mom was dying (and by the time he was going to come out he told him not to bother, there was no time and we’ll see you at the funeral in a few days. Fucker.). I told my Gram not to expect me to rearrange my entire day for family who doesn’t really want to see us again as I had to break a promise to Dorian to make dinner at a reasonable time.

Today I have been working, just dropped Fish off at work, and I am uploading pictures from, well, all of May. I’ll be making a few photo posts later on. It’s going to take all day to upload.

Our fence is complete! They will come out tomorrow or Monday to inspect it. It’s pouring now, so I can’t go enjoy it lol We’re having a party on Sunday, so just in time! I hope it doesn’t rain I think I “scheduled” it in between rain storms lol

Dor has his first sleepover weekend after next, so that’s exciting. We need to go get him some PJs and a gift to take with him.

And I think that’s everything!