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04 December 2004

4 December 2004 By

It is so not all about just having a healthy baby. I know it is for most moms, but I rationalized having Dorian’s birth ripped away from me that way. I wont be put in a position where I have to do that again. I guess it makes me sound selfish, but this is *my and my baby’s* experience. Not *mine, my baby’s, and some lady I just met two months ago’s* experience.

I did not have an audience or help to make the baby. I don’t need an audience or help to bring the baby into the world.

I am going to gram’s today to make sure we can use the return of the deposit for her fee (they let us borrow the deposit and first months rent, rent has since been paid back, but the deposit hadn’t) you know, instead of using that thousand dollars to buy the bed she said she’d buy me. I am going to sit down with her and my mom and tell them in no uncertain terms I am not paying for this womans services, which I don’t want or need. It’s on them, entirely. Almost 3,000$. I could have a nice down payment for the bigger car we need in that amount of money. Instead it is going to pay for a woman who hasn’t even really seen me yet who is already aggravating me.

I know you all don’t understand it, and that’s fine. I don’t understand a lot of things, and until I started down this path, I thought a lot of the women I met on the way were nuts too. It just breaks my heart so much, and it demeans me in a way, that they don’t think I am perfectly capable of doing this on my own, because I am. I know I am. It has been so empowering to me as a female this pregnancy to know I didn’t need outside help (not that there is anything wrong with needing it, but it is so liberating to *not* need it) and to not have it.

In the past 18 hours I have gone from looking forward to the next few months and to the birth to dreading it and hoping it wont come. I’ve been sick since I woke up this morning, I couldn’t stomach my lunch (I gave it to Chai), and I just feel like I had this veil of malaise settle over me. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. It just landed on me, and it’s happened before, but rarely so quickly I truly notice it, and can see the before/after images of *me*.

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26 November 2004

26 November 2004 By

Fish and I made dinner yesterday. Mom had a 20-some pound turkey, and we had green beans almandine, saut?ed asparagus, cranberry-apple-potato dumplings, tofurkey gravy (and I’ll mention why we didn’t have the tofurkey in a minute), the best potatoes ever, sweet potato casserole, homemade apple-cranberry pie and another apple thing I made that had a crust on top but none underneath. Oh, and store-bought pumpkin pie and ice cream.

The tofurkey I forgot had to be thawed to bake in the oven, so Fish tried to steam it, the water steamed off super quick, and the plastic around the tofurkey melted into the steamer. The bottom of the pot warped and I think cracked when we added water to cool it down (I knew this would happen, the bottom of the pot was orange, but there was no other way, and it wasn’t a great loss). No tofurkey for me :(

My apple pie didn’t turn out fantastic. I’ve never made my own crust, and the recipe I used wasn’t quite ideal, so we basically wound up with some awesome baked apples lol The other apple thing I made was fantastic. I never want to peel another apple ever again.

Went shopping this morning, I need to pay back my mom when Fish gets paid, but I think everyone but the boys and my mom got something from someone. I have some stuff in mind for the boys, and I have no clue about mom, but I’ll find something.

How was everyone else’s holiday?

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24 November 2004

24 November 2004 By

Ok, we met with her this morning. She was really nice. I don’t agree with some things (like how much she costs, and she mentioned something about seeing the doctor…. but I did not clarify that we didn’t have enough time) but was all in all happy with how I handled my last pregnancies, what I do and don’t want, and even worked with us on the price, somewhat. I told her I had to speak w/ my parents b/c they would be paying her fee, not us, and I would be in touch either way.

Her fee is usually 3500$. This is for full prenatal care from day one. It includes 1600$ for the birth. Holy fucking shit, I think that is almost as much as the hospital. The fee to use the birthing center is 4000$.

She said for people in financial hardship (us) she can go as low as 2500$, and I mentioned possibly bartering for part of it as well (her website looks like ass and I did that for nigh on a decade, so…… I offered. We will discuss that in detail later I guess if we go with her). I made sure to mention I don’t have health insurance, and the only reason the boys do is b/c my dad claims them so he can put them on his policy through work.

We’ll see. She get paid whether she shows p before or after the baby is born. The booklet she put together for us to read says she has two “helpers” at the birth, which I don’t want, but since I don’t plan on calling….. eh, we’ll see.

I was ready for my feathers to be ruffled, and they were, but not too poorly. She outright asked if I was planning to UC, and I skimmed around it and said not especially, but I wasn’t too worried about prenatal care b/c I am healthy. I’m sure she didn’t believe me, but whatever. I don’t need to deal with any authorities on my case, you know?

So I’ll talk to my parents about it tonight, because every god and goddess I know of knows I don’t have 2500$, and I don’t think they do either (esp. since it says payment in full by week 36 lol) and I am pretty sure my grandparents don’t (see my bitchy post about the bed we didn’t get b/c they ran into financial issues) so maybe hopefully if she does barter she will take my time and energy off of the 2500$ price, not the 3500$ price.

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07 November 2004

7 November 2004 By

Well, last Tuesday evening Chai was diagnosed with dual ear infection. yesterday, Dorian woke up complaining his ear hurt, but the doc office said to give him some motrin & tylenol (um, bad advise, btw, should have been or, not and) and see how he is in the morning. Well, around 11 pm last night he woke up complaining of it again, and I took him in this morning. He has a blister on his ear drum (I have no clue, but she did not say infection, she specifically said blister) that looked awful. She asked if we had a cold/virus and well, we’ve been passing a mucousy virus around for about a month now. No one has had it at the same time, no one we have been in contact with has caught it (meaning my family hasn’t gotten it, my grandparents, no one at dh’s work, etc… ) we just can’t get it out of the apt. So maybe it was related *shrugs*

Oh, and apparentely it looks nasty enough they wnt to see him back in three weeks to make sure it’s cleared up. I don’t remember if I mentioned it, but we did put tea tree in it yesterday, which couldn’t hurt him any, but given how advanced i sounded, it wouldn’t have helped either.

So my wonderfully healthy children both manage to get nasty sick within a few months of one of them starting school. To quote a favourite line of mine, “There’s a big surprise. I think I am going to have a heart attack and die of not surprise.” Even more amusing, none of the kids in his class have been out sick, so someone is using school as daycare. I hate that. I have kept him home because he is a little sniffly so it doesn’t get passed around, I expect other parents to have the same sense of responsibility of not spreading illness.

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13 October 2004

13 October 2004 By

First of all, check this out. They are home-made halloween bags for your kids. The woman who makes them is an awesome seamstress and is in need of some quick cash right now.

Seven things that scare you:

1. being left alone in public places
2. public bathrooms – ditto
3. my kids getting some weird exotic illness
4. creepy movies (not gory, but creepy)
5. some dreams
6. being co-dependant
7. social situations

Seven things you love (in no order):

1. my kids
2. my husband
3. computers
4. tattoos
5. reading
6. playing
7. me

Seven things you hate:

1. dirt
2. close-minded people
… That kind of encompasses all of it.

Seven things in your room:

1. clothes
2. books
3. tv
4. beds
5. toys
6. shoes
7. a mess that I am tired of picking up every single morning and night.

Seven random facts about you:

1. I am obsessed with organizational storage, but am incredibly un-organized.
2. I love buying make up, but rarely wear it.
3. I hate things that grow green, white or black fuzzy. You know, mold. I don’t even like touching it if it’s *in* something.
4. I’ve worn glasses since 5th grade.
5. My middle name is Randi. It is was cooler than my first name.
6. I have a ton of things I want to do, but I am the laziest thing on two feet, so it never gets done.
7. I am severely socially impaired and unless I know you really well, it shows.

Seven things you plan to do before you die:

1. live on a farm or kibbutz…. even if it’s just for a little while
2. own/co-own a tangible store
3. travel the US with while he works the various conventions
4. get all those rolls of film developed
5. finish my scrapbooks (see above statement)
6. own a home
7. be independently wealthy

Seven things you can do:

1. read upside down/backwards
2. sew, kind of
3. come up with creative ideas
4. make websites, but can’t everyone? I gave up and use GeekLog lol
5. complain. I’m real good at that.
6. read hebrew (can’t translate)
7. cover up the fact I am socially anxious

Seven Things You Can’t Do:

1. fix everything
2. knit
3. play most sports
4. run for any length of time.. you know, more than like 10 paces
5. hear well
6. socialize like a normal person
7. sing. at all. sound like a cow in labour. painful labour. so painful you want to kill the cow.

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:

1. humor
2. tall
3. fun to be with
4. beautiful eyes
5. good to cuddle with
6. intelligence
7. good conversation

Top Seven favorite movies (no particular order):

1. The Nightmare before Christmas
2. American History X
3. Fight Club
4. Gone in 60 Seconds
5. Oh Brother Where Art Thou?
6. The Big Lebowski (sentimental reasons)
7. Heathers

Top Seven things you say the most:

1. right on/rock on
2. um
3. fuck that
4. stop it
5. Malachai Get Down Now
6. Dorian lay down
7. this throaty growl sound that actually kind of hurts but makes me feel better

As a side note, the damn heartburn has started, my air conditioner is fucked and wont cool the apt below 80 again, I do not want the landlord in here to fix it (b/c he lied to me about the dryer and made me feel like it was *my* fault when the dryer itself was not even the issue but the vent to the outside!), mom took Dorian to sleep at her house so she doesn’t have to come here in the morning to pick him up for school, he did not want to go and I feel bad b/c I bribed him with a movie I didn’t want to watch here (Hulk), Malachai pert near ruined (read that as purt-near-runed for the full country hick voice I hear in my head when I type that) his book and I am kind of pissed about that but oh well.

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