Apparently not to post. I have started this post on Punky Moms three times in just the past day. Not even 24 hours.

I have been in a funk lately. I am pissed off, angry, sad, aggravated, tumultuous,  easily set off and otherwise not fun to be around. Normally this isn’t a problem, but it is rubbing off on everyone else. You know the saying “If moms not happy, no one is happy;” That is our house right now.

I can’t pinpoint it. I can’t fix it because I can’t pinpoint it (or avoid it, or whatever). Michael has offered to find my a puppy, if it will put me in a better mood. The only puppy I want is the fresh baby Yorkie and I hate spending that kind of money on a puppy, especially one from a puppy mill. I want a tiny dog, one that will stay tiny. It limits my choices, even more so because you just don’t find those dogs at the pet rescue.

We went to the mall yesterday, to pick up our taxes (there was an error and we have to mail them in, not send electronically, no big) and I bought Eshiva & Malachai some new clothes (they were on sale). We walked around a bit, and stopped in Old Navy to see if I could find some new clothes. I did. The XXL might have fit me. I put it back and walked out. Michael didn’t understand. Well, he probably did really. I cannot buy an XXL. I am not an XXL. My tits might be, but *I* am not. It would fit across my chest and hang like a tent everywhere else. I saw some great shirts and dresses, but I would have looked pregnant, because of how it would hang on me below the bust. I had a choice. Be angry nothing fits, or buy to fit my bust and cry because it doesn’t *really* fit.

I can’t afford custom tailored clothing. I can’t afford to shop where the bitches with the huge implants shop. Mine are real, I didn’t buy them. They grew. So while the rest of me slowly shrinks (I am losing weight, or at least shuffling it around from fat to lean muscle) my boobs are the same size as ever. I always heard women lost from the chest first.

So it’s just one more thing to make me want to cry. Which is just funny, because it’s just so stupid.

Last Monday we had a brief meeting with the BP (behavioral psychologist) and yesterday DH & I met with her for a parental interview. I asked her before we left if it sounded like something or like nothing. She said some of his behaviors lean towards autism, but on the whole she is leaning more towards behavioral and not pervasive (so psychological behaviors/developmental delays and not medically caused behaviors) but until she scored our input on him and get his testing done, she really wont know.

She just could have said “I don’t know.”

Basically, his parallel plays, how he interacts (or doesn’t interact) with other people has her leaning towards autism-type diagnosis, but everything else has her leaning towards developmental delays. Which I guess could be a problem all on their own. Some stuff she was surprised he was doing (like bathing himself, getting his own snacks) and I was surprised she was surprised. I have always fostered independence in my kids (which is why I am so taken back he wont or can’t dress and undress himself and some other things I expect him to be able to do).

Next Monday we start the first part of a 6 hour test to determine his approximate developmental, physical, etc.. levels.

I am not thrilled so far, but I am willing to wait until this testing is done and see what the outcome is. I think I was hoping for a quicker opinion and a more accurate one that “it could be this, or it could be this.” I already knew that. I also want to add, I do not get a bad vibe from her.

I am stuck between hoping it is something “easily” diagnosed and worked with and hoping it’s that he is a spoiled brat (which I am not banking on). I feel like (like all parents feel, I am aware of this) that I did everything “right” for him to be spot on and healthy, and I can see he is not spot on, so I am wondering if it’s something we did, fostered, or what. I don’t think it is, but it’s in there, you know?

Sorry for this written vomit coming from my mind. I need to get it out. I talk to Michael about it, I think I expect more feedback from people than people really are able to give. I want someone to say it’s all ok, and it’ll sort itself out. Of course it will, but that familiar comfort is missing.

We dropped off the enrollment form at the school today. I have a few things to tweak on the tuition application, and I need to print out our loan, credit and banking statements. I gave them a credit card to pay the enrollment fee. M said she could not in good conscience take the money, but said she would speak to the Rabbi and see what he had to say. We told her we don’t have it, but I could not in good conscience not offer it. We get so much from the school, for all my bitching about them, they have gone above and beyond for us in many areas. So she took the card number, and said she would speak with the Rabbi and let me know if they are going to charge it or not.

I had my eyebrows done last Friday. Had a nice chat with Chrissy. I love going there. It’s only 16$ every three weeks, but it is so worth it in how I feel about me in the interim.

We paid the gym this morning, adjusted the phone number on file.  I wish we could get everyone healthy again so we could go. Shivie has been snotty and I was snotty a few days ago… I can’t drop her in daycare if she is sick and I can’t walk if I can’t breathe.