Dorian slept out last night at his friends house. We wound up there from 7:30 to 12:30. J picked Michael up from work around 10, and we hung out for a bit. I kind of reached the end of my “Jenn out of the house” limit, so we came home. M & E crashed as soon as we got here. I dropped Michael off at work today and I’ll head back over there later to pick D up.

Went to the food store this morning. I spend about five times as much in food over the summer as the rest of the year. It’s insane. I bought four loaves of bread, another gallon of milk, tons of lunch meat & cheese, ribs & corn for Father’s Day, pot roast makings, cabbage, peppers, OJ, rice, and whatever else makes up the obscene amount of money I spent on “in between” shopping today. Yep, this wasn’t even my *big* trip. I do that next Friday. Eight people consume *a lot* of food.

Michael has to work on Sunday, which sucks, but he’s booked at least. Dad requested ribs & corn on the grill, so I’ll make that and (hopefully) have it ready by 5 or 6. I got three racks of ribs and 12 ears of corn. I forgot potato salad… I might just make some more.

Michael brought home his “spare” rotary machine for me. I want to set it up as a shader and see how it does. Monday, I think. Always Monday, huh? He brought it home last Monday. I don’t know where the time goes, but it sure goes somewhere.

I had one of these, that I did myself, about 14 years ago (*gasp!*) and I was so proud of my new idea and how awesome it was (I was 15, everything was my idea and awesome, but that’s beside the point).

It was no where near as awesome as this. Mine was only two holes, and it was kind of a pain in the ass to set up. I pierced it myself, they weren’t even and were a little crooked on top of not being evenly spaced. This bit of love? Amazing. Great job John!

2. I’d like to lose a bit of weight.

3. I’d like to move a little faster with my apprenticeship – it’s been left by the wayside the last few months due to other house-type things that needed to be done. I’d like to be working on real live people sometime next year.

4. I’d like to stick to my raw diet a little better (see #2). I’m aiming for a constant 80/20.

5. I’d like to keep my home cleaner (though I do know a clean home is not nec. a happy home)

6. I am sure there is more, but those are the really big ones that spring to mind.

He’s got a dot

Mal wanted to watch

Michael was still across the room during this shot

Blowing out right before the needle went in

and it’s in. Whew!

The second one going in

The deed is done. He is happy.

If you ever wondered what *I* looked like from the back in my youth, here is a good facsimile.

View the entire album here – but I posted the good shots

So, my son was very … delicate before. He is outright feminine now. I hope he doesn’t get shit for it. I think he rocks, I just think it’s a shame I cloned him.

For those who want to read about yartzeit, you can do so here, but the quick n dirty, it’s the anniversary of a death.

We took Sara to register her to school this morning, and I have work to do. It just hit me that today, it’s been four years. I need that tattoo. My whole life revolves around it.

Today is probably the day
and Here is my blog from that day

and the next year

I didn’t blog in 2005

we were settling into our new home last year, and I did light yartzeit, but didn’t blog

I might post this as my blog entry this year… I am so tired of commemorating death, but I feel wrong not acknowledging the life that was lost.

So after my bitchin and moanin, we went in today! We completed the inside wing on my phoenix. I was literally in tears when we go to the top (shoulder cap) and it wasn’t even that much work! I have no shame. It hurt! It hurt way more than the ditch. I am glad it’s over and done with. I bet Michael is too!

Two hours worth of work, we relined and coloured it. We’re planning for two weeks to go do the other wing, but as Michael said, let’s plan on two weeks and maybe we’ll make it in, in two months.

I got up this morning, with all intentions of making pancakes. My brother and sister were making eggs. That’s fine. I emptied the dishwasher and put the dishes in it. Then I started cleaning out a cabinet to pass some more time while they finished. Somewhere in between the two things, my mom made eggs. By the time I finished re-arranging the damn cabinets, I said fuck it and put my pancake mix away and didn’t eat. I also found an entire trash bag of lids. No containers, just lids. And about fifty other things no one ever uses. I also found a pressure cooker mom has probably been carting around for 26 years, with yellowing papers inside of it. Never been used.

I came upstairs, where DH was cleaning the bedroom. Again. Because no one knows how to put their shit away.

I sat in the bathroom and cried for a bit. You know, until my 4 y/o had to poop and had to come in. So I went to clean some stuff. Then I went back in the bathroom and cried some more.

I’m not really sure why, except that I also tried to eat my strawberries I bought yesterday and they were so packed into the box they were bruised and mushy. I put them in a bag in the fridge. Maybe I’ll make strawberry preserves or something, but who the fuck wants to eat bruised, mushy strawberries? Almost everything else I bought yesterday was for other people. I had an apple. That my 2 y/o took half of.

I’m not even sure what it is that has me so upset, other than attributing it to some weird hormone shift.. but I hate doing that.

I had clean clothes on the floor yesterday, waiting for their respective owners to pick them up and put them away. The cat pissed on a pair of pants. No one believed me that I smell cat pee *everywhere*.. well, there’s the proof she forgot how to hit the damn cat box. Not even in the same room. I hate the cat.

The twins slept on the couch again last night. Apparently they forgot it wasn’t a bed.

I just want a damn house that doesn’t look like a hurricane swept through it all the time. Even when I do clean it looks like that again within a couple of days, if it takes that long.

I know, it’s always the same shit. But damnit, I am not a maid, I am not a cook, I am not a baby sitter, I am not a lot of things I seem to have wound up being.

Maybe mom is affecting me more than I give it credit for. Maybe everyone else who is being affected by her is affecting me. I just can’t do it any more.

Fish knows it, but he’s also not home a lot. I have no clue what I am going to do with three kids when I apparently cannot control the two I have, and the two I seem to have inherited (or at least feel like it) have absolutely zero respect for me (or anyone for that matter).

I think I found my breaking point this morning, and I’m not even sure what it was.

Am I easier to attack about “making” people worry? It is none of their business, and it is giving me so much stress. I was fine till we had dinner tonight, and my gram said “So you gave in and you’re going to the hospital” A statement, not a question. This is what my mom is telling everyone. Which is fine, I don’t give a flying fuck what she tells them, but don’t question me about it. I will not lie. I am not ashamed of my plans, and I never was. I am not hiding.

I am, however, ashamed of how my family is acting, and the fact that I know they are all thinking “She always has to do it her own way, she can’t just be like everyone else. She has to be a pain.”

Well, fuck you all very much. No, I can’t do it “like everyone else” because I am not everyone else, and after 25 years, they should fucking know it by now. I am not choosing to do this just to be different. I am choosing to do this because it is safe, healthier, and the smarted choice for *me*. And if I have to shout it from the goddamn rooftop, so be it, but it really shouldn’t be necessary.