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Passover

15 April 2008 By Leave a Comment

This year we were not invited to my aunts house for Pesach dinner. No big deal. However, my Gram called me last week to ask what we were doing. I said nothing yet, I was going to call and invite you down. So we planned to have second night at our house, with my other Gram and aunt. Then somehow it turned into use going to my Gram’s house for second night (and inviting my dads mom and sister along too) and since my dads fam wont go to my moms fam’s house, we invited my dads fam over for first night.

I just got a call from my Gram and she said she isn’t feeling well and maybe I should just come pick up the food to bring home for second night. I told her I would call her tomorrow and see how she is feeling and we’ll go from there.

My entire life my Zaide has run the seder. My entire life. I have never, not once, not had seder with him.

I wonder if it is because my Gram is so old, she sounds tired all the time, her health is starting to fail. She’s been depressed since mom died. Well, first night is on moms birthday this year. So I wonder if she just doesn’t want to deal with us because of that. But it’s one more thing that I am losing – I have a feeling this would have been the last year I’d have to go to a seder with them.

We haven’t been invited to seder at any of the peoples homes from the shul – which is fine – a frum seder starts after sundown and ends around 2 or 3 AM – you get to eat around midnight. I don’t even know where to start to host my own – I know my dad wont conduct it, and it would take me forever. I can read Hebrew, but not that well, I’m quite rusty. My brother wont do it (I don’t know if he can) and Michael can’t read the Hebrew to do it.

I didn’t realize how much this upset me… I am not a religious person – not by my definition and measuring stick. I am a traditional person… and all my traditions seem to dead or dying. You do this because it’s what you do. I have no idea where to get a shank bone (can I ask the butcher at Publix? Does it have to be kosher? I feel like an ass calling up the Rabbi with these stupid questions – things I should very well know the answer to!). I know what food to cook, and I know what order to serve it in. I can’t run a Pesach dinner.

My dad doesn’t even want to have a proper dinner. We are having his mom and sister over first night, but they aren’t expecting a seder. They would be just as happy if we ordered in Chinese.

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Hey Jealousy

30 March 2008 By 1 Comment

I am jealous of people who get to celebrate their parents wedding anniversaries.

I am jealous of people who get to celebrate birthdays, mitzvahs, simchahs of all kinds.

I used to want to have a real wedding. My parents didn’t get to see me get married. I don’t want one now. Half the people I would want there can’t be there.

I am jealous of people who haven’t lost a damn thing. I mean, I’m sure they’ve had heartache, but their families are in tact. My dad is going through photos. today he said to me, half the people in the photos are dead. Most of the photos of are of my immediate family. If they were taken before 1992, then yes, half of our family is gone. Part of my brain is still insulated. It’s still just four of us in most of my memories. I am not discounting my brother and other sister. For so long it was four, and then it was six. And then it was five. And then it was four again. And I had some very big shoes to fit in.

My cousin just had a surprise party for her mother, for her 50th birthday. For my mothers 50th birthday we were celebrating one year out of surgery. One year into remission. One more year we had to celebrate because she was with us.

I will never give my mother a surprise party. I will never give my parents a 30th wedding anniversary gift, let alone a 50th.

I. I. I. So selfish. Think of all my brother and sister will not have. Think of all my children will not have. I step in. I try to make it up. I cannot.

So let me be selfish. Let me be jealous. I am envious of my aunts and uncles, planning their parents 60th anniversary party. I carefully avoid that date now. I asked if he wanted a card last year. I won’t ask this year. Just another date crossed off in my planner. Just another date. It’s always just another date. Instead of cake and gifts I buy yarzeit and say prayers. It’s not really a fair trade.

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It’s sad.

25 March 2008 By Leave a Comment

We had a meeting at the school for Malachai today. We’ve applied for a unique aid as well as four weeks of extended school year so he isn’t completely without speech for the summer. He has stopped talking to most of the class, his teacher, the class aid. Stopped doing work, reading, etc. Why? They can’t understand him. He is self-stimming more and more by talking to himself (which he does at home as well, but for the most part we know what he is saying). He is more aware of his speech problems (he has a profound phonological delay) and it’s making him not want to do anything that involves talking. It makes me so sad for him.. I am not disappointed, or depressed, or angry or anything other than sad. I am so sad to know that my child is in any pain because of something he can’t help. It weighs on me.

We’ve applied for FlKidCare, so if we get approved we can potentially get private ST, OT and PT and not have to deal with ESY. That would be great, seeing as we planned to send them to camp 3 times a week for the summer. Kids deserve a break from structured school. Malachai needs the structure, yes, but it doesn’t all have to be learning. The camp we looked at is structured, but it mostly fun time, and would be great for him b/c it’s so active. He has no concept of his body in space, and the camp is mostly gymnastics, swimming, outdoor play, stuff where he could learn where he is.

Side story: Ms. Booth said he doesn’t play on the playground. He and his best friend hang out in the shade by the sand and play. They were doing calisthenics one day and Michael and I both started laughing at this. She said they were bending over to touch their toes, and he just fell right over. I can so see it. We explained he has no balance. It was funny. Maybe you had to be there.

She also said that he has the best disposition. Even when she is upset with him, or explaining he did something wrong, he just goes with the flow. Nods his head, and does what needs doing. He’s a good kid.

Anyway, that’s where I am today. It’s my dads birthday, but he doesn’t want a cake or anything. I need to pick M&S up from school after I get the boys. We’ll be in the car for a while today. Oh well.

Filed Under: Education, Medical, Mishpucha Tagged With: , , , , , ,

So tired.

15 March 2008 By Leave a Comment

Spent this morning cleaning. I have a bit more to mop, but otherwise done. Well, I need to hide do the laundry before our guests arrive. Some days I wish our laundry room was in the garage like most of the other houses in the neighborhood. Most days I don’t, b/c then it really would never get done, but… it would be easier on me when we have people over and I don’t have to figure out how to camouflage the huge mountain of fabric things.

We are getting a new puppy today, photos to come later. My friend’s friend is getting a tattoo today, and my friend is getting one tomorrow. We’re hitting up the CS FotA tomorrow morning, and I am headed for Boca for a birthday party in the afternoon. Fun stuff.

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Ugh, sickness abounds

11 February 2008 By Leave a Comment

Yesterday:
So, today is Eshiva’s third birthday. Instead of fun partying to be done, I have been in bed. All freaking day. Why you ask? Malachai woke up around 4AM to tell me he threw up into his trash can, but missed and some was on his carpet. I ignore the carpet, clean him off and bring him into bed with us. He gets up a couple more times. Around 5AM I got vomit up my dinner that I ate around… 6 PM? All of it. Not a digested piece of rice in the lot. We took turns doing this until around noon, when my dry heaves finally stop. Oh, around 630 I cleaned up the carpet. It wasn’t just a little. It was most of it. Yum.

I feel fluish, my entire body hurts. Michael went to the store and got me gingerale and a cake for Eshiva (I was going to make fairy cakes for her – we moved her party to next weekend, so I’ll do it then) and some other stuff. My dad picke dup Shivies gift from my grandmother & aunt, and brought me vitamin water (I was so dehydrated I was dizzy laying down).

Mal and I have been napping most of the day. I am going to go lie back down, as sitting or laying on one  position too long makes my skin and joints hurt.

So yah, happy birthday little girl :(

Later yesterday:
Ugh, I felt well enough to keep down some advil, and was mostly passed out and malachai crawled over me to get to the trashcan, missed, and puked on everything. I just got out of the shower (which felt delicious, I took it slightly cold, but wasn’t what I wanted). Michael is getting ready to read them a bedtime story.

Thanks everyone. Cuz I know you all wanted to know about my puketastic day.

They had cake and took pictures. I stayed in bed. I went downstairs once today (at like 4) and didn’t think I could make it back down/up again.

Today:
Still weak. I did make it up and down the stairs a couple of times, but was winded between that and moving some laundry over and whatnot. Drinking some Vitamin Water. I am still dizzy, and my back is achy. We kept Malachai home today. Michael took some cash into the office so D could buy lunch today (no lunch food, didn’t go food shopping yesterday) and they suggested applying for reduced lunch. So I think we’ll do that, b/c if we do it quick we probably qualify.

Michael left a little bit ago to go to the dentist. He has some bone shard or tooth shard coming through his gum, and it hurts. Obviously. His top is healing up well though. He ate some potato salad yesterday, and some pizza too, I think.

We canceled the party and rescheduled for next weekend. Eshiva got some super cute clothes from my grandmother and aunt, and we got her some clothes and some Hello Kitty make up (that I had entirely forgotten about, bought it on clearance a few weeks ago). She has another gift in the closet from my friend Sarah that I am saving for next week so she has something to open at her party. I am hoping my friend can come down with her girls next week.  I know she took off of work to come down yesterday :(

Yah, that’s about it.

Filed Under: Medical Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,
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