i don’t know what i want to write. i am kind of sitting here in shock. but not really shock. i don’t have a word for it. i don’t want to cry. i don’t want to scream. i don’t want to go running into the night. i just don’t want to do anything, really. people are being awful nice, which is nice. they offer to help, those who can’t help say they wish they could. then i want to cry. it’s kind of like when you are a kid, and can hold in tears, but as soon as someone touches or hugs you, you can’t anymore. i grew up like that. i don’t cry. i get this awful headache, and this pain in the back of my throat, and my eyes hurt from the pressure, but i just don’t cry. it’s useless. it doesn’t fix anything. it doesn’t help anyone. it just wastes time and energy i can spend elsewhere.

we had steak for dinner tonight. michael put it on the grill. it was pretty good. we also had salad, and grilled corn on the cob, and potato salad and cole slaw. i made an eggplant casserole kind of thing for tomorrow night. it is supposed to be eggplant tortellini dish, but i didn’t feel like finding decent tortellini, so i used lasagna noodles.

i’m watching man on the moon. i guess it’s kind of poignant. i put it on our queue weeks ago, a month even. for those who don’t know, andy kaufman (only one of the greatest comedians/performance artists of our time) died of lung cancer.

i am going to go to the vitamin shoppe to get some vitamins for my mom. i think i ave to get liquid ones tho, so i can hide them, so she takes them.

i’m sorry, this is so all over the place. but so am i.