um, yah. how that for the punchline, huh?

i have no clue what is going to happen. no one does. they are going to try radiation therapy, it didn’t sound like they were going to operate. basically it sounds like it hit the lymph system, so it’s a losing battle now.

she seems pretty upbeat. dad isnt’ sure if she is lying to herself or if she really thinks she’ll be ok. he said does it matter either way. i guess not.

he’s ok. they haven’t told her parents, and only one brother (and asked him not to spread it around). no one’s told the twins.

i already told my dad when the time comes they’ll come live with us. i told him he probably would too, there will be plenty of room.

i don’t feel as shocky as this post makes me sound, it was broken to me this afternoon, so i’ve had time to absorb. i was hoping she had longer, but all the research i found said metastasized brain tumor patients tend to have 5 years or less (30% will have more) but because of how rapidly this has spread, and the size of the initial tumor in her colon, i don’t think either my dad or i are fooling ourselves. he is thinking in terms of months at this point. whether he is like me, and plans for the absolute worst and is pleasantly surprised when it doesn’t happen, or i dont know… he’s seen it before, in his dad. i guess it’s different living through it a second time upclose…

he hopes it’s fast. he said it’s better this way. the lung cancer would have been worse, more painful. if this does her in, it wont be so bad.

this is sneaking up on me. i feel like i’ve lost all control. i never had any. not over this. it’s too much. it’s not fair. my dad said it was silly to want to strangle god, but it’s really not. it would be fair. it would be just. at least, right this instant, i think it would be.

Fixing up the board. Lots of changes, for the good. I am actually excited about that, when I’m not busy being upset at some of the two-facedness I’ve seen.

My turtles are getting big! Squirt isn’t such a squirt anymore, he’s a good 2.5 inches I bet. Hidalgo was the next biggest, but we think Scar is a lil bigger now. Jumper is in the back, but I think there might be something wrong with him, his shell is a bit funny shaped, and I thought his eyes were messed up earlier, but then they seemed fine. I love my turtles!

The fish are huge too. We have five koi, two parrots, two africans and one huge pleco. We will need to transfer to the bigger tank sooner than later I think. Our ryukin are in the kids tank, and one is a little funky. He seems positively bouyant some days, struggling to stay down, plays possum other days, he’s a funny fish.

My mom went to the ER yesterday morning and was admitted. Dehydration, and she’s having a brain scan and arm scan and something else. I think she’s given up. The cancer spread again, they didn’t operate. Did I post about that before? I don’t remember. They upped her chemo drugs again. It spread to her other lung, stomach I think, somewhere else… I don’t remember. I did post about it, I remember typing it out.

We’ve been talking… if something happens, my dad will lose it, I think anyway. The twins will probably come live with us. Worst case scenario? I keep envisioning it. I’d convince dad to sell the house, move up north with us. It doesn’t cost so much to live, so after expenses and debts are paid, it could be invested, lived on. There is ample room in the house. Well, it might be tight, but everyone would have their own room. The twins would bus to school. It’s doable. I know, I’m a fatalist. Sue me. She could hang on ten more years or longer too, and I hope she does. Who knows. I wish someone did.

i need to finish those fig pinwheels, and make the molasses bars, but she saved my cookie making ass from making boring old choc chip lol

there’s two more racks of the oatmeal ones