It is so not all about just having a healthy baby. I know it is for most moms, but I rationalized having Dorian’s birth ripped away from me that way. I wont be put in a position where I have to do that again. I guess it makes me sound selfish, but this is *my and my baby’s* experience. Not *mine, my baby’s, and some lady I just met two months ago’s* experience.

I did not have an audience or help to make the baby. I don’t need an audience or help to bring the baby into the world.

I am going to gram’s today to make sure we can use the return of the deposit for her fee (they let us borrow the deposit and first months rent, rent has since been paid back, but the deposit hadn’t) you know, instead of using that thousand dollars to buy the bed she said she’d buy me. I am going to sit down with her and my mom and tell them in no uncertain terms I am not paying for this womans services, which I don’t want or need. It’s on them, entirely. Almost 3,000$. I could have a nice down payment for the bigger car we need in that amount of money. Instead it is going to pay for a woman who hasn’t even really seen me yet who is already aggravating me.

I know you all don’t understand it, and that’s fine. I don’t understand a lot of things, and until I started down this path, I thought a lot of the women I met on the way were nuts too. It just breaks my heart so much, and it demeans me in a way, that they don’t think I am perfectly capable of doing this on my own, because I am. I know I am. It has been so empowering to me as a female this pregnancy to know I didn’t need outside help (not that there is anything wrong with needing it, but it is so liberating to *not* need it) and to not have it.

In the past 18 hours I have gone from looking forward to the next few months and to the birth to dreading it and hoping it wont come. I’ve been sick since I woke up this morning, I couldn’t stomach my lunch (I gave it to Chai), and I just feel like I had this veil of malaise settle over me. I don’t want to do anything. I don’t want to go anywhere. It just landed on me, and it’s happened before, but rarely so quickly I truly notice it, and can see the before/after images of *me*.