Doctors appointment went well today. She’s perfect. Went to breakfast after (one bagel with creamcheese, one order of challah french toast) and then off to school. Had her party on last Sunday so this evening will be relaxed. Miss thing asked for cheese cake cuplettes, and they were a hit. I suspect they have edged out FairyCakes for FavoriteBirthdayCupcake.

In ten years we have moved a handful of times, and always found ourselves back in South Florida, in the home we are in now. We’ve been through two major illnesses, two deaths. We’ve seen so much more happiness – babies being born, grades being graduated, events being celebrated.

I am not really feeling over philosophical today. I am not reminiscing. I find myself looking forward, which is, I suppose, a good thing. In the past six months, Dor has been able to go play on his own, help look after his siblings, help around the house more. It’s a goodness. We picked up a cheap phone for him yesterday, mainly because he is off in the neighborhood on his own and doesn’t always hear when we shout for him. When I was ten I was all over too, with no phone, but times, they are a changing. Yep, growing up.

I lied. I guess I am waxing philosophical. Ten years down, another seven or eight to go before it’s time for college. I just sent two off to college… the next eight years will fly by. I need to stop, slow down, and cherish them. I bet you do too.

Dad & Sara took Michael up to Stetson this morning to move him in. They left around 4AM, arrived around 8AM, saw the shuttle launch around 7:20AM, and Michael phoned me around 10AM and told me he was moved in and Dad & Sara had left. Super condensed, yes, but accurate.

Sara is bummed she isn’t moving on, but she can’t see that she is. Just because you are going to a local school and living at home doesn’t mean you aren’t moving on with life. It means you are moving on in a different direction than your twin because you are a different person. Next semester after she gets straight A’s she might apply to UF and move out too, or she might stick out her two years and finish her AA and get guaranteed acceptance into any Fl state school.

I posted to PMs that I cannot believe I have two kids in college. Mine, but not mine. I remember taking them to 8th grade and signing them up for 9th grade and I feel like it was yesterday. I remember getting the call that they were born.

My bio kidlets are in K, 3 & 4 this year. Where does the time go? I feel like I have stood still in many ways myself. I’ve been in my own holding pattern for the last eleven or so years. Maybe it’s time for me to break out too. Dance class, acro class, guitar lessons… I might need to dig out some time for myself to do something.

What is July 25?

My sister died on July 25, 2003.

So it’s been seven years. And this year was it. I didn’t post about it. Well, I’m posting about it now, after the fact, because it didn’t occur to me to post about it then.

An internet acquaintance of mine recently lost her sister and I wanted so badly to tell her that no matter how awful it it now, it won’t be forever. I didn’t, because it wasn’t what she wanted or needed to hear. I told her I know it’s awful, and nothing I could say could make it better, and that was the simple truth and the best thing I had to say.

Apparently seven years is the magic “not forever” number. Who knew?

It might help that I don’t have anything else to associate the date with. September 16 will never come and go. It’s a scant two days after my eldest son’s birthday. She held on long enough to see him turn six, and that was that. Maybe it will come and go? Maybe it’s just still too soon, too fresh. I still can’t think of her without wanting to cry, my eyes stinging and tearing up. Maybe in 2013 September 16 will come and go and just be another day of celebration in Dorian’s Birthday-Week.

Yesterday was the first real day of summer vacay for us – all school classes are over, recitals are completed, graduations are finished. Yesterday brought us speech therapy (every Monday and Tuesday morning until the end of summer, when the schedule changes back to after school), yard work, the gas station, the bank, gifted testing, lunch, the library, visiting some friends, guitar class and dinner at 8!

Malachai was tested for gifted yesterday morning, and the school psychologist (who has observed him briefly but I guess never worked one on one with him) said she sees why he has/needs an aide in class. I am kind of relieved to tell the truth, because at his IEP we were having a hard time explaining that yes, he does great in class… because h has an aide! She also said that while he definitely passed the testing, he would have done much better if he could have stayed focused and on task. So, my all over the place son passed the gifted testing even without an aide to redirect him to stay on task. He continues to baffle me, but in a good way. Perhaps he will build that time machine when he grows up… right after he is done being a stuntman for the newest summer blockbuster action flick. Having a “special needs” child who doesn’t “show” or “present”  as being special needs is a challenge in and of itself. We had some friends over, one of who works with autistic kids every day and he said if we hadn’t told him, he never would have known about Mal. That makes me so happy on the one hand, but on the other hand, it does make it more difficult for us on his bad days when he absolutely presents with all of his symptoms, and usually all at once. So hearing how well he is doing, and how far he will go just makes me smile all over.

Dorian finished his first guitar book yesterday as well. Apparently he has quarter notes down (um, all he plays is “Turning Japanese” so duh he has his quarter notes down!) and played some new songs yesterday. Maybe we’ll get something besides Iron Man and Turning Japanese now. One can only hope. I think he said they did a Beach Boys song and a Beatles song.

Eshiva had her recital on Saturday. No pics, as they were supposed to be prohibited (which didn’t keep an ton of asshole parents from taking bright ass flash photos of their kids on stage, grrrr) but we’ll get a video sometime soon (it was rolled into the cost of the recital fee). E did a beautiful job. In fact, the entire recital was awesome. One of the groups did a shortened version of “Oh Industry” (I love this and have never seen a bad performance of it), and another did “Hard Knock Life”, really the entire thing was great. The babies were cute, the middle range of kids were trying their best and the older girls were all amazing. All but the littlest did the finale. They did “Thriller”! Very cute.

We all hit the library yesterday. Esh had a one hour book reading thing and made a couple of book marks. The boys picked out books to check out. Dor got WWII books and a couple of novels (Time Warp Trio and Lucy’s Ghost I Think), Mal got GooseBumps and one other, Esh got an awesome book about different phoenixes, a baby book about tickling a duck and one other. I’m pretty stoked about being at the library twice a week. The kids signed up for a summer reading program where they get prizes and I told them we’ll keep track of what books they read and we’ll get them a prize at the end of the summer too. The boys go today for a craft class. I think today is an aquarium.

Camp starts next week, Wed – Fri for them, so I’m hoping to pick up some work. I’ve got a logo in the works, and a site that I am waiting on some info for, but nothing else on the horizon right now. It might be the perfect time to start tattooing again. I have some ideas for my lower legs now, so it might work out well.

I was busy remembering stuff yesterday and I want to remember it here too, so bear with me please.

Oh, funny. My mom used to call me Jenniter. Don’t ask. So, the kids were playing janitor today (don’t ask) and I hear Eshiva in the background and I swear I heard Jenniter, not janitor, and it reminded me of mom. So I am telling Michael about this and I say she used to call me Jenniter in the drum, and I have no idea. …He says no! There was a liquid draino type product called janitor in a drum. So yah, my mom called me a cleaning product (which is funny in an ironic kind of way if you think about it) and I suspect I have a new (old) nickname lol Now that I think about it, when I call Gram she still calls me Jenniter too. Funny stuff.

One of moms friends sent me this:
When mom was in Israel she wrote profound poem that I often quote.
“be patient
Peace will come
And when it does
It will be like
A tidal wave upon humanity”

I want to do that One Step on my leg and I am thinking about incorporating this, but I see it as pictures not as words… like a traditional peace dove flying over a horizon with a big wave washing up on the shore, but the shore will be something to symbolize humanity, not an actual shore. I need to think about it for a while. I just see the two ideas tying together really well.

Mar 26: spent a fortune on food this week – silly holiday costing twice as much as normal. gotta clean today, sara is doing an amazing job in the kitchen – Michale helped too!. I need to get up and do the dining room. Dor did a good job in the living room… already tired.

40 years from now I will decide to make more fresh horseradish. Michael has promised to remind me we still have some in the freezer lol

my beagle just caught a duck in my back yard. He only had the tail, so the duck is ok, minus a dozen feathers or so. So now I have to baby sit my beagle when we let him out

This is my Haggadah – we used it last year and I love it. I have five more copies printing out this year so we have enough http://www.peelapom.com/seders-for-all-seasons/passover_haggadah/ some more info on it. I don’t get a kick back, I just really enjoyed this one and I have actually been looking forward to getting to use it again!

not that you care, but dishes done (for the fourth time today), charoset made (a little early, but hopefully it wont be too mushy), soup almost ready to strain, then, maybe, bed time!

soup = finished. cooling now. chicken picked. brisket in the fridge outside, will cook tomorrow. I am feeding an army. Kids? Finally asleep!

Mar 27: soup is put away (I was right, it was still warm enough to eat this morning!), breakfast is made for the kidlets, getting ready to put my brisket in (and tie up my oven for 8 hours… and my double oven will be delivered when?) debating if I want to make both or wait and see…

Oh, kids made a mud pit of the back yard. Brought them in and they’re watching Bill & Teds Bogus Journey. I cleaned out my pantry and closed it up. I have been up and going for about five hours and I am ready for a nap! Yay coffee!

Sara Johnpoll got acceptd to CFCC! You should go congats her on her wall Michael A. Johnpoll got accepted to Stetson last week, you should go congrats him too

Mar 28: I have no direction today. I hate when that happens more than words can express. I am lost in a sea of things that need to be done & can’t decide what to do first. I think my brain has shut down to avoid making the “wrong” decision. I also need a freaking food processor that comes with the S blade & round blade & does…n’t cost 100$ that I don’t have to blow on a decent (read: wont break in less than 6 months) one.

picked up the Giada processor @ Target – it was a little less than the Kitchenaid and Cuisinart… I’d rather have gotten the Cuisinart, but Target didn’t even have it and the Giada was a good size and a good price. Blades are very sturdy, bowl was bigger than Kitchenaid. So far, so good. I don’t regret it yet lol

Mar 29: brisket, potato kugel, veggie kugel, bubbelach (need to make those), soup and all the other little nuances are ready to go. OMG I want to sit down!

Mar 30: chicken in the oven. reletively quiet dinner tonight. kids are bored. wish that dream didn’t throw me for a loop. i’ve been craving silence and time to think all day. of course it hasn’t arrived.

Mar 31: oh, and the new tokens for the slot machine came today, so my kids are camped in front of it. oh yeah, i am a great influence lol bring your kids over, i’ll teach em to gamble & curse (we don’t really drink and we stopped smoking years ago)

Apr 1 to now: more cooking, Trash to Treasure, cooking, cleaning, OMG more matzo!, lather rinse repeat.

She faked it to be on her own. I can’t remember it now, but I can see it.

We found her. We tracked her down. I was a wreck. Why fake your own death? I was the only one who didn’t know. Even dad knew. He played along. Everyone knew. It took forever to figure this out and find her.

I am trying to remember, but I am stuck in the room.

We found her! We’re sitting at a table, waiting to eat. She is telling us why shed id it. I am weeping. I am at the same time so unbelievably angry and so incredibly relieved. I want to bring her home. She looks healthy! I don’t understand. I just keep repeating that I don’t understand. I remember a window. I remember she tells me why, but I can’t remember what she said. There was more, so much more. The kids keep talking and I can’t get quiet enough to bring it back. I woke up earlier and I was going to write it down, but I tried to go back to sleep so I could bring her back again. I should have written it down then. I can see it, but it’s slipping sway and I can’t bring it back enough to get it from my brain to my fingers.

What’s that line? A dream is a wish your heart makes? I don’t exactly need Freud to figure out this dream, I do wonder what brought it on though…

Please wait a moment while my heart shatters and mends itself and bursts with pride.

This is huge. This isn’t the story of some random seven year old giving his pennies away. This is the story of my seven year old. My seven year old who is obsessed with coins. He stacks them. He counts them. He moves them from one container to another and back again. He finds them in the strangest of places and brings them home to put in his box(es). He finds them in the house and comes running to me to ask if he can have it because he found it. Pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters, American, Canadian, Israeli, you name it he wants it.

My coin loving and hording baby decide to take his pennies in to school today in a zip lock baggie to give to help find a cure for cancer.

I have no idea if he made the connection that his grandma died from cancer. I have no idea if he even realized what an amazing this he was doing, and not just because he took probably over a dollar in pennies in to school in a little bag.

They were *his* pennies. His coins. Can I even stress this enough? What a wonderful little man I am helping to raise.

ETA, from Michael: He had mentioned it to me on Monday when I picked him up from school and I told him that it is a good thing to do if he wants to. It is a form of tzedukah, charity basically. I promptly forgot about it until this morning.

He was trying to shove his coin box into his bag and told me that he wanted to give all of his pennies to Pennies for Cancer. I asked him a few times if he was sure and he said yes. I suggested he put them in a sandwich bag instead of the box. He seemed so happy about doing this that I just helped him right along.

He has helped do some good in this world and he will start his coin collection all over again. I think when he gets up in the morning, he will have some new coins in his box, whatever change I have in my pocket at least.

I finished college in 1999. I moved back to MD in December, moved in with Michael two weeks later, spent New years with him and his friends, conceived Dorian that night (oops, yay!) and we had our HandFasting in March 2000.

In 2000 I also had my first BIG job (full time in my field) and also left it to move back to Fla. I kicked Michael out and he moved back to DC later that year. Dor was born in September.

On 9/11/01 I was in bed and my good friend Mandy called me up and told me to turn on the news, so I did and I was on the phone with her when the planes hit. I hung up with her and immediately tried to call Michael (who at the time was working across the street from the Pentagon) and Matt (who was/is NYFD) and finally got through hours later. In Oct 2001 Dor and I moved back to MD.

In Feb 2002 we moved back to Fla. Malachai was born in August. My mom was diagnosed with cancer this year and on her 49 birthday had major surgery to remove it. We took the twins and the boys to Orlando that week so they wouldn’t worry about her and so dad could be with her. She started chemo following and was in remission for a few years.

In 2003 Erin died. Michael and the boys were in bed. I was downstairs with the rest of the fam, and then matt phoned me and we chatted for a bit. I remember telling him it would be today, and mom yelled up that stairs and told me to come down NOW so I hung up on him and ran down. That was that. We took the auto train up for the funeral and I think we drove back down.

We had an apartment in 2004 (I think) and moved out when the leave was up because I was pregnant and we didn’t have room for another person in that apartment. We moved back in with my family to help out (mom was sick by now) and wound up staying until after Eshiva was born in Feb 2005.

In Feb 2005 Michael, my dad and myself all quit smoking. I got an IUD My mom never did stop smoking and the cancer came back this year.

2006: We were living in West Va, and I drove down with my MIL and the kids two weeks before she died. That was in Sept 2006. You guys got me through that. Michael flew down and then we drove to MD for the funeral, went to WVa and packed our shit and moved back to Florida to take care of everyone. We’ve been here since.

I think we’ve been in a holding pattern since then. I have been learning to tattoo forever now, took up knitting somewhere in there, and a crapton of other hobbies.

In 2010 the twins graduate high school, and I think the dynamic of the house is going to change, esp. if/when Sara gets into Rollins and Michael gets into FSU. I’m kind of bracing for that lol

I have to say, I am pretty excited to see what the next ten or fifteen years brings. Dorian will be 18 in 2018, Mal will be 18 in 2020 and Eshiva will be 18 in 2023. I expect the US to pull out of this recession (is it a depression yet?) by then, and I can’t wait to see what new technology my kids help invent I can’t believe it’s been ten years, the time has flown, except when it hasn’t, which wasn’t too often. I think we’ll have this thread going on again before we know it.

I was just lamenting in a friends blog that Baltimore calls to me like a siren in the night… and has done so for thirteen long years now, but I know, at the end of the day, I am home where I am. I told him that I hope he finds himself where home is soon too. Purpose of sharing here? My life may not be where I expected it to be at all, and home might have turned out to be far far away, but it certainly has been a grand adventure so far – I expect it to remain so. Bonne Vivant!

12/20 – Did you know my sister is awesome? For the low low price of 15$ (I’m going to give her more, the kids were suppose to help) she is cleaning the kids room, which includes getting rid of all the crap I couldn’t bring myself to get rid of (I kept tallying it up in my head *sigh*), putting away the stuff they use, and sweeping. ??She is amazing and I love her. ??Lest you think I have done nothing while she slaves away (and earns some dough!), I’ve sorted all the kids clothes, gotten rid of didn’t fit (in bags to donate tomorrow), threw out what was damaged beyond repair, saved a couple shirts to make into patches (the sleeves were holy or didn’t fit, but the design was fine) and put it all away. Now I’ve got cornbread in the oven

12/13 – Really, Everyone? Eshiva brought some kind of stomach bug home from school last Thursday. She didn’t go to school on Friday. She had a fever and was vomiting and diarrhea, you know, classic stomach bug. No one else had it all day yesterday so I thought it wouldn’t spread. ??I was wrong. Malachai got it, and he didn’t understand at all that even though he was so thirsty, every tiny sip made him vomit again. Poor kid. I have something like ten towels, five top sheets and three fitted sheets to wash. He also didn’t quite reach the trash bin at all – I get that, he didn’t want to move, but I hate sick laundry.??Michael got home around 11 – he was queasy and he has it too. Yep, he has some bedding to wash as well. ??So far, knock on wood, I don’t have it. Let’s keep it that way. Neither does Dorian. ??I am going to try and take him to the Channukah festival at shul today. The other two can’t go, and I feel a bit like Typhoid Mary and I I’d rather not get everyone around me sick, but… they were really looking forward to this. We’ll see what happens I guess. ??I had also wanted to go out today with the fam, but I suspect my biggest baby will be in bed all day. Understandable, and I am “glad” he only gets sick on his day off, but why the fuck does he only get sick on his day off??? It also magically coincides with when I Have big chores to get done. Grrrr

12/12 – Kitchenaid Mixers are the bomb. I totally said that. So, I picked up a slicer/shredder attachment for my Kitchenaid instead of buying a new food processor and ohmigodyay! Not only did it mean one less gadget in my kitchen, but I think it works better than the processor did! We shredded ten potatoes in no time last night, plus four onions. ??So if you’ve been thinking about getting one, do it!??I also have the grinder, which I don’t use even weekly, but when I need it it’s amazing. Fresh ground chicken and beef as a fraction of the cost. Plus it’s awesome for chopped liver, which is also stupidly expensive to purchase pre-made. ??I’ve been eying the pasta maker, but I don’t think I’d use it often enough to warrant buying it