The stuff that’s gone on, on the board lately, effects my physically. I have mini-anxiety attacks just opening my messages because there is a good chance it’s one more person upset or angry or whatever. I hold my breath when my email comes in, because I never know if I am getting some bit of hate mail. I’m not saying it happens often, but often enough, that when we have some sort of drama or another happen, I just want to curl up and not come back for a while.
Some of you know about my real life drama with the shop. Just driving by sends me into an anxiety attack. I can’t cope with the thought of going in, let alone actually doing it. I had to the other night, so I walked in, said a brief hello, sat down and got to knitting while I waited for Michael. I don’t even want to go in to get my arm worked on, because it involves being *in* the shop. I can’t explain it.
Same thing happens when I have to make a phone call. I just cannot deal with it. Nope, I’ll never be that asshole calling you in the middle of dinner trying to sell you something. The phone terrifies me. Not answering it, but picking it up to make a call.
Yah, I’ll put myself out there. See the glory that is my life. It’s not as bad as it used to be. Michael used to hold me at night, unable to do anything else because I was frozen. When I was a teen I was on drugs for anxiety problems, among other problems. I didn’t like the drugs, and I found other ways to cope. Michael helps with a lot of that. Lately it’s been creeping back, and with a vengeance. It’s like my body forgot how to do basic things.
I’ll never be a recluse. I really am a one foot in front of the other kind of gal. If I start something, I’ll finish it. Heart racing, ears pounding, hands shaking and cold, but I’ll finish it, and usually, most people wont even realize anything was wrong with me. Which makes me wonder if I was imaging it all in the first place.
I make up for it by going that extra mile. Being that much more outspoken. That much more in your face. I protect that last little bit of scared little girl by surrounding her with a super confidant shell.
But some things just break that shell. Like the phone.
