I’ve been in a funk the past couple of days. I don’t really want to do anything. I am doing my work, I have to, but it’s not a pleasurable as it usually is. I have things to catch up on with Punky Moms too.
Apparently Sara is having a fit over moms rings again. She was storing them in a freaking gift egg (like the thing you get when you put a quarter in a machine and turn the handle, I don’t know what they are called, it’s a plastic eggy thing) and Shiva was playing with it, so I took her rings and gave them to dad. I just don’t know how many more times I can say “I don’t want the rings, I just want them in a safe place until she is old enough to properly care for them.” They are opals. You know, one of the most easily broken stones out there. One of those rings is coming up on 40 years old, and it was in the care of a 15 year old who put it in a fucking toy egg thing. Genious. So now dad has them. I offered to put them in one of our jewelry boxes, but heaven forbid. I explained to dad that mom was never into jewelry, it doesn’t remind me of her, and I don’t need it. He gets it. Sara, not so much. He said it is different to lose your mom at her age than at mine. I said there isn’t a day that goes by I don’t need her here for something, and that is something I never realized until I didn’t have it. I know what he was saying, but it makes me so sad she is focusing it all on a ring that mom didn’t give two shits about whether it was on or not or whatever.
I had the worst headache yesterday. I don’t get headaches, and this just threw me for a loop. I still have it, but it’s not quite as bad. It had me in tears for a minute yesterday.
We took Malachai to the psychologist yesterday. We (Michael and I) are going back next Monday to do a parental interview… thing about him. After that is complete he will begin a series of visits to complete a test (I can’t remember what it is called). The test is about six hours long, and will be broken up into 45 minute sessions. At 30$ an hour (our co-pay, which is nicer than full price for an hour, but we’re looking at at least six more co-pays) I hope this is the route we should be on. I was in there for about an hour explaining our concerns (Dorian and Eshiva never would have sat, I had Michael take them to the park) and whatnot. She did not say “he’s just four, go home” so I think we’re in the right place.
I am kind of scared of what the answer is going to be. I didn’t vaccinate because the garbage in them, what damage it can do, to me outweighed the good. What if he comes back with something anyway (autism springs to mind first here, which is why I mention the vaccines). I am anal about food, where they play, what they play with, etc… I just want to yell that I did everything “right” and my other two kids are spot on, so what did I do to damage this one. I know in my head it doesn’t work that way, we don’t really need to have that discussion. It’s like asking what mom did to make Erin sick. Well, Erin didn’t breathe, it was her own damn fault [insert chuckle here]. It’s the same thing. It isn’t anyone’s fault. I am not angry. I’m not thrilled. I just want to find out exactly what is going on, so we can move on with our lives.
