I just posted this over on Punky Moms, but maybe I can get some more replies outside of the board. I posted this in February of last year. Must be a February thing.
I want to address the under 30 crowd on here. But I want the input of the over 30 crowd.
I was talking to Michael in the car today (please pardon any typos I don’t catch, my hands are freezing and I am having trouble controlling them) about the boys school, which led to what am I going to do once Eshiva is older. Basically, I want to evaluate their schooling past K (so next year for D is a make-or-break with the school they attend) and if it’s a go, I’ll enrill Eshiva too once she turns 4/5.
What do I do once I don’t have little kids at home anymore? Michael seems to think I will have a ton to do, seeing as I will no longer have a lack of time as an excuse. He might be right but… what about a job? Bringing in money? Doing something other than keeping house for the rest of my life, right?
As I said in another post, when I do hit 30 (Shivie will be 5 that year) I plan to hit it running and keep up the momentum. I have had a pretty go go at the 20′s. I did my partying and clubbing and all that garbage pretty young. By the time Dorian came along I was ready to settle in, more or less. I certainly have no interest in being out all night at a club or whatever and I haven’t in a very long time. I am where a lot of my mid-thirties friends are, for better or worse. Many of my mid-twenties friends are where I was ten years ago.
I’ve started being mindful of my skin more, my weight, my food consumption, all that stuff. Not that I wasn’t mindful of it before, but I’ve realized I’m not 18. I haven’t really stopped mourning my 18 year old self yet, I want that body back something fierce.
I think I am one of the few mamas on the board in my position *now.* I know most of you are younger and only have one kid or waited (for whatever reason) till you were older to have kids, so your careers were established already (or your “you” was established already in any case).
I’ve kind of lost my “me.” I was just short of 21 when I had D, then C then E. As I said, I’ll be turning 30 when she is turning five. Dorian will be 10. My need to be in the home will be less. It’s kind of scary to me right now. I was saying to Michael that teaching certification is pretty easy in Fl, so I could maybe do that, but do I want to teach art to a bunch of little kids? I’ve been doing that for years already. Maybe I’ll be tired of arts and crafts and explaining pointillism to a child not old enough to really get it.
So that is where I am right now. I am feeling kind of pre-lost, because I know I’ll be lost later. I don’t want more kids. I want to find who I am without the kids. I don’t have a career I want to get into. I don’t mind freelancing, but… this isn’t the career I planned to get into when I went to college. I did it because I was good at it and it paid well. Well, I’m still pretty good at it, but it doesn’t really pay well any more.
So what are your plans? Fears? Bueller?
To be honest, I don’t know what I was looking for. I know I am not “alone” in this. I just feel like I’ve spent time that I should have been spending getting to know me raising kids. Don’t get me wrong, I know who I am. I know what I enjoy doing, what I hate having to do. I’ve just forgotten how to enjoy it, you know? I could go out with the intention of buying myself new shoes or new clothes, and come home with nothing for me but five times what I planned on spending in clothes for the kids.
My world is no longer completely enthralled with snotty noses and toddlers or preschoolers that need my constant attention.
That totally sums it up. What the fuck do I do with myself once I don’t have any snot nosed brats to take care of and booboos to kiss?
I also want to add, I’ve supported Michael throughout his career. We are blessed enough to be in a position where I can fiddle around and figure out what I want to do. I don’t have to rush out and find a job. I mean, it would be nice, but I don’t have to. Because of our living situation, housing, most utilities and most of our food is taken care of. It gives me the illusion of living a life of leisure anyway. I know he’ll support whatever I decide to do, or try or whatever.
I just don’t know what “it” is.
