Deal with it. Or unfriend me. Or whatever. I’m not filtering posts into groups of who cares and who doesn’t.
I feel better now. I had a breakdown earlier today. Duh. If you read me, you know that. I’m still not ok, but I’m not a mess. I got some great advice. Punky Moms are the best moms a gal can know. Seriously. I got some great “been there” advice. I got some great advice from someone who has experience with anger management (something I’ve never really learned). I learned that it’s never going to be ok, and that’s ok, because it might not be ok, but it’s different, and that’s ok. Confused yet?
When Erin died, I cried when she died. Right then, at that moment. But more than that, I was support for my family. I didn’t cry after that, except alone, and at night, when no one needed me.
When mom died, I cried them, right when she died. But again, I was support for my family. I didn’t really cry after that either. I’m sure if I re-read my blog, I’ve noted when I did, but if I didn’t mention it, chances are, I didn’t. I’m not a crier. I remember when my bubbe died, I was six or seven maybe, and we were walking out the door to go to the funeral. I hadn’t cried. I was holding the screen door open for mom to walk out, and for dad to bring Erin out. Mom stopped and yelled at me because I didn’t cry. I can put myself back in that body and relive it. And I thought I was awful for a long time, because I didn’t cry. I just wasn’t sad. Death is a part of life, and life must go on. I’ve known that for a very, very long time.
Life is moving on, and death is still a part of life. I came to terms with the fact that mom would die many many months before she did. I did not come to terms with how much I needed a mom, how much support only she gave me, how very special our relationship really was. I can’t replace that, not that I want to, but I need to fill in the gaps and I’m not sure how to do that yet. I am trying to fill in the gaps for Michael and Sara. Not replace, but hopefully offer a good substitute. I don’t really have anyone to do that for me. I’d be insulted if someone tried, but… I’ve lost half of my unconditional love.
I am not the first, nor the last to lose a parent at a relatively young age. Some lost one younger, some older. My dad was about my age when his dad died. History repeats. I wish history would fuck off. I don’t have it the worst, or the best. We are all on our own with events such as this, even with people around us, or with people who have gone through it. We all experience grief differently. I’m not grieving the loss of a parent. I am grieving the loss of something far greater than that. I can’t imagine how my dad feels, losing a child, and a wife just a few years later. It’s different for me, having lost a sister and a mother. We both lost the same people, but the relationship dynamics were different. It’s funny, almost, how close we are, but how far apart our grief is.
