Yesterday my gram, zaide, aunt and two uncles came over. Mom was up and sitting for about 1.5 – 2 hours, but they arrived much later than expected, so by the time they arrived she was back in bed.
My aunt asked her is she wanted to see her siblings, and I guess she said no? She asked dad and then me. I said tell them to come. Don’t force the issue, but if they want to come down, they can. It’s not for mom at this point, it’s for them. I’ve said as much to her friends as well. Let them come in droves. Mom was well loved, and I don’t think it’s fair to deny her friends the opportunity to see her. I hope they all come.
She was having a crying fit this morning, in pain. Her neck has been bothering her a lot. She wanted them to x-ray it, fix it. She was saying it’s the port, but it’s just the cancer. It’s everywhere. She finally took some morphine, I think dad and I were hoping she’d go back to sleep for a bit, but she insisted we call Dovid. So we did, and he said take her to the ER. She was put in a room rather quickly, but as of 30 minutes ago had not seen a doctor yet. Howling in pain in the public area tends to get you quick attention, or at least a quick private room. She was also asking him why he didn’t tell her yesterday. I am assuming she was asking why he didn’t tell her that her chemo was cancelled. Well, not to upset her, of course. Her chemo has been stopped all together, not just a few sessions. We were hoping to tell her they couldn’t get the new drug in they wanted (as it’s brand spankin’ new) and it had to wait a few weeks. By the time she asked again, she’d forget we told her a few weeks, and she’d be ok with the same explanation.
I haven’t been able to do my crying yet. I’ll get my turn after the funeral. I am here to be a pillar for everyone else. Like with Erin. It’s ok. I think maybe it’s why I am here in general. It’s what I do a lot.
The MASH theme song came on my iPod on my way home this morning. The version with the words. What a depressing song. I usually like it. It seems to fit my personal soundtrack though.
I don’t remember if I mentioned it. Mom was singing patche patche with Eshiva yesterday, and couldn’t remember all the words, mixed them up too. It breaks my heart to see her this way. My mom was always so strong, a fighter. It’s like most of the fight has gone out of her. The most insistant I have seen her was this morning, because of the pain. Pain shouldn’t be the driving force in your life. I hope she finds her way through it soon. I don’t want this to drag on.
Pam said she was up and moving around 2AM. Not a ton, but more than she had been.
I’d like to ask, if you get a moment, please say this for my mom. It can be said for the person it’s for wit out changing any of the words. I think it’s important to her. :
The Text of Final Confessional Prayer: Viddui
Translated by Rabbi Amy Eilberg
Excerpted with permission from Saying Kaddish: How to Comfort the Dying, Bury the Dead, and Mourn as a Jew (Schocken Books).
My God and God of my fathers and mothers
May my prayer come before You.
Do not ignore my plea.
Please, forgive me for all of the sins
That I sinned before You throughout my lifetime.
I am ashamed of deeds that I have committed.
I regret things that I have done.
Now, O God, take my pain and suffering as atonement.
Forgive my mistakes, for against You have I sinned.
May it be Your will, Adonai, my God and God of my ancestors
That I sin no more.
In Your great mercy, cleanse me of the sins I have committed
But not through suffering and disease.
Send me a complete healing along with all those who are ill.
I acknowledge before You, Adonai my God and God of my ancestors,
That my healing and my death are in Your hands.
May it be Your will to grant me a complete healing.
If it be Your will that I am to die of this illness,
Let my death be atonement for all the wrongs that I have done in my life.
Shelter me in the shadow of Your wings.
Grant me a place in the world to come.
Parent of orphans and Guardian of widows
Protect my dear ones,
With whose souls my soul is bound.
Into your hand I place my soul.
You have redeemed me, O God of truth.
Shema Yisrael, Adonai Elohenu Adonai Echad.
Hear O Israel, The Lord our God, The Lord is One.
Adonai Hu Ha’Elohim. Adonai Hu Ha’Elohim.
Adonai is God. Adonai is God.
Rabbi Amy Eilberg was the first woman ordained as a Conservative rabbi by the Jewish Theological Seminary of America. Nationally known as a leader of the Jewish healing movement, she lectures and writes on issues of Jewish spirituality and healing. She currently serves as a pastoral counselor and spiritual director in private practice in Palo Alto, California.
