Not even reading my friends page right now. I might later.
Saw the jack ass, erm, midwife today. Here is a pretty complete list:
Things she told me I already knew:
- the baby is transverse.
- my blood pressure is pretty low (it was something like 104/54 I think)
- my pulse was pretty high (I think she counted it at 96)
- my urine was dark this morning. Um, maybe b/c I had already used the bathroom, drank a half a yogurt drink and no water.
- I am measuring at 31. Which is right where I am. Go figure.
- I’ve gained approx. 15 pounds, maybe 20 depending on how accurate my starting weight was.
Things I didn’t know:
- the baby’s heart rate was about 140, IIRC.
Oh, yah, and I have to take some class (more money) but next appt I need to tell her I can’t, b/c my mom can’t afford it. It’s to cover what happens at home in the event of an emergency vs. in a hospital and some other bullshit (relaxation techniques, how to birth a baby, etc..) I told her I’ve had two kids, women have been doing this for about a million years, it hasn’t changed. So due to money, time and the feeling of she is a fucking rip off, I need to get out of that.
She also wants to do her back up plan next appt. Well, she is my moms back up plan, and I don’t need her. So we’ll see what comes of that.
While I’m there, and right after, I had a feeling of dread. She is stealing something from me. Something I will never be able to get back. Right now, I feel like I did last night, that she is not there for me, she is there for my mom and dad, and I don’t need her, and don’t need to call her. So I just don’t know. I wish I was strong enough to tell my mom to fuck off and I don’t need her. It’s funny. I am strong enough to have this baby by myself, but not strong enough to satisfy my mom I am safe in my strength.
Took the boys to a Chanukah party today with a moms group I recently joined. Great group of ladies. A little more mainstream in many ways than I am, but hey, we can’t all be the same, right? They were very well behaved, a big concern of mine since most of the kids in the group are under 18 months, if not under 9 months. Only a few are older than 2, and only one older than Dorian, who is 7. We had latkes, jelly doughnuts, crackers & cheese, and other foods, and did a toy exchange. Dorian got a tool set, and his face just lit up. He wouldn’t even let the box out of his hands, let alone out of his sight, the rest of the party. They fell asleep within about five minutes of getting into the car to come home. Dor woke up as soon as I took him out of the car asking where his tools were, Chai slept another hour and a half or so.
I am exhausted. I have to pick my love up from work at 9, and hopefully can come home and get in bed!
We got checks in the mail today from my grandparents. I cannot believe what they sent (individually it wasn’t a lot each, but to send it to all four of us seemed excessive, coupled with the fact that they sent the same to my brother & sister, and probably to all the grandchildren, so they spent a small fortune just sending out checks). i asked my mom if she thought they would even cash a check if I sent one back to them, and she suggested taking them out to dinner. Probably wiser, but I know they need that money right now, so I wish they would take a check/cash/whatever. I think tomorrow I will call to say thank you and make plans to go up next Sunday night or Monday, and see if they will let us take them out to dinner. I might see about leaving the boys with my parents so it’s not a *loud* dinner lol
